My beloved communications person will be out for several months on maternity leave, causing me to face a black abyss of unwritten copy and projects unmanaged. Our recruiter placed a posting on Craigslist for a temporary business writer, which seemed like a good idea.  Who doesn’t like Craigslist? But then I received the responses, which made me realize that this popular web site does, indeed, have a dark side: anyone can respond to a posting.

Here are my comments on some of the responses I received:

“I believe that my academic, work, and life experience, thus far, have equipped me with the knowledge, skills, and uniquely appropriate qualifications for this position.”

That’s a pretty cosmically aware statement for a short CL posting.  I wonder if he read tea leaves.

“Writing is a core-skill I use everyday in every work environment I am in.”

Given the number of grammatical errors in that sentence, I presume that one of those work environments involves being a barista.

“My interest in writing led me to obtain a Certificate in Technical Communications.  However, the Technology demise of 2001-2002 made it difficult for me to pursue a career as a Technical Writer.”

Ah yes, the great Technology demise of 2001-2002. After which, the apes took over and subjugated mankind.

“I would welcome the opportunity to discuss with you my aptitude and the skills and experience I possess that make me an excellent candidate for this position.”

And I demand to be paid by the prepositional phrase.

The capper came at the end of the stream of applicants.  The candidate wrote:

“Also, attached is a copy of writing samples. The content is significantly different than the business writing and PR you’re advertising for on Craigslist.  However, this should give you some example of my level of writing skill, adaptable to the needs of my employer.”

Enclosed was several dozen pages of a political rant-based Livejournal, stuffed into a word document.

If I came across a job posting for a matador, I would not respond. I have no background as a matador. I would not succeed as a matador.  I would derive no pleasure in presenting myself as a matador. Why, then, do these people want to be business writers?  Come back when you don’t think “Subject and Predicate” was a hip hop duo from the ‘90s.