There will be even fewer words than usual on these pages while I spend a few days in London and then a week and a half in Paris, where I will be hoping with all my might what every American hopes for in such circumstances: please, please let there be someone who speaks English.

I’m sure glad I’m not the moron who designed the camouflage wallet. How idiotic do you have to be to create a wallet that’s even harder to find if you accidentally leave it somewhere?

I’m sympathetic to the plight of advertisers: everyone has DVRs or they pirate their shows or stream them over the net.  As a result, no one watches commercials anymore.  Advertisers still need the ad revenue, but how can they get it when viewers are fast forwarding through commercials or skipping them entirely?

That said, I’m not happy with the intrusive tactics of the new era.  For example, I spend some time with 30 Rock and what happens? An ad for Tina Fey’s movie Baby Mama comes tripping across the screen--in mid scene. From the looks of it, five minutes of 30 Rock is ten times funnier than that entire movie.  And even if it was a comedy classic, I don’t need to hear about it when I’m enjoying Kenneth’s comedy antics.

Then there’s my TIVO.  I finish watching Battlestar Galactica and I try to delete the episode.  Immediately, I get yelled at:

TIVO: Would you like to download more Battlestar Galactica?!?!

ME: Uh, no thanks. 

TIVO: But you can catch up on all the episodes from past seasons!  Only $1.99!

ME: Uh, I’m pretty caught up. I just want to watch the current season and find out if Starbuck is a cylon, and stuff.

TIVO: Then you can download classic episodes of Battlestar Galactica from the ‘70s!  Again, only $1.99!

ME: No thanks. That show sucked. At one point they went to like this space heaven and their uniforms turned white and it was really lame.

TIVO: I have that episode! Only $1.99!

ME: What did I just tell you?  No classic Battlestar Galactica.  Which, by the way, is a contradiction in terms.

TIVO: No problem!  Hey, listen, find out about a new Lexus!

ME: Do I look like I can afford a new Lexus?

TIVO: Then find out about a new Kia!

ME: Look, I’m going to work.  I’ll see you later.

TIVO (following me out the door): Comparison shop for wool socks! Get more out of your shampoo!  Buff and polish your abs with the Abflexor Flexis!

ME: Get back in the damn house now.

TIVO: I can get you the phone number of the actress who plays Boomer on the new Battlestar Galactica!

ME: ....wait....really?

TIVO: HA made you look.  Now back to business. Download Michael Bolton’s entire discography!

I’m pretty tied to my daily routine.  In the morning, I worship the Egyptian God Anubis through the use of ritual sacrifice, and follow it up by painting my body with multiple colors and rolling around my living room carpet in a burlap sack. I then go to work for my job as a hand model, and then spend most of the evening betting on cage matches featuring girl scouts in mortal combat with various sects of Amish.

I’m not proud of being such a creature of habit, but that’s just the way it is, so I have to be very careful when I’m planning for a vacation.  Such a disruption in daily routine requires studious attention to detail, and to make sure that all necessary precautions have been taken before I leave.  My checklist generally consists of the following:

Research the latest packing techniques. There are actually sites devoted to the proper packing of suitcases to maximize all available space, such as OneBag.com. I visit them, study the most current strategies, and then give up in disgust when I realize that I still can’t fit in my TIVO.

Be kind to your plants. They’re not getting water for a while, so be generous.  I don’t mean by excessive watering or talking to them or any of that hippy crap; sprinkle gin and tonic over them. Next to photosynthesis, there’s nothing they love more.

Manage your workload at the office. Specifically, start doing everything poorly--that way they won’t miss you when you’re gone, or expect you to do things when you come back.

Set your out of office message.  This is a corollary to the above step.  Most people make the mistake of setting an Outlook message along the lines of “I’m out of the office and won’t be back for two weeks.  Please leave a message.” Bad move.  If you do that, you’ll come back to five thousand emails that you’ll never get through or return. What you need to do is set a message that sounds as though you’re actually replying to whatever was sent: “Hey, stop emailing me. I tried to call you about the project and you weren’t around, so I told your boss that you’re an idiot.” After the first day or so, people will actually stop emailing you and you’ll come back to an empty inbox and several blissful, relaxing days at the office.

Read the travel guide. Study up on the history of the country you’re visiting--although give up when you realize it’s all Crusades this and Cromwell that, and go straight to the part where they tell you about the good pubs.

Practice phrases you’ll need. I don’t mean foreign language phrases; who has time for that?  Buy a Captain America T-Shirt and practice sentences such as “I’m from the U.S. of Goddamn A you communist, so don’t tell me the exchange rate is $100 for a single goddamn Euro.”

The best thing you can do after all that is to relax and let yourself open up to new experiences.  Go on hiking treks; observe strange and bizarre people; eat exotic and frightening food; drink with abandon.  And once you get off the plane, you can do some other things as well.

When something good or triumphant happens to you, do you ever pump your hand into the sunset and freeze in place, just like Judd Nelson in the final frame of The Breakfast Club?

Right, me neither, I was just wondering if you did.

Godwin’s Law as defined by Wikipedia.

Our marketing campaign started out strong but ended up pretty poorly. You know who else ran a campaign that started out strong but ended up poorly? Hitler.

I would agree with you, if you didn’t sound so much like Hitler.

Have you not been shaving lately? You look like Hitler.

I can’t believe I ate so much. I’m as stuffed as Hitler.

My colleagues at work recently came up with a personalized twist on an old game for my birthday:

One could read a message into this, but I prefer to look at it and say, “Hey.  Now that’s a cute ass.”

I got a new bed
It’s a pretty good lay
It’s got high thread count sheets
And the cutest green duvet

I got a new bed
One that will help me rest
Now there’s one bed for me
And another for a guest

It will help me sleep well
My back will never bruise
But when that alarm goes off
I totally hit the snooze

(I totally hit the snooze)

I got a new bed
It’s a nice size
It feels good on the skin
It’s okay on the eyes

I got a new bed
I’m pleased to announce
And although it’s pretty solid
I’d rather you not bounce

It’s fun to fall asleep now
Definitely not a chore
Too bad it can’t shut me up
When I start to snore

(When I start to snore)

(Guitar and saxophone jam)

I got a new bed
It fits about right
You can doze off to sleep
Or have a pillow fight

I got a new bed
It’s really quite soft
It helps me dream of Angelina
Being all Lara Croft

Now I’m not looking for attention
Don’t want you to shed a tear
But it’s fair to say
I’ll be eating ramen for a year

(I’ll be eating ramen for a year)

(Guitar and saxophone jam, repeat, fade out)

SHE: I’m not worried about going on a date with a guy I don’t know very well. I have a series of questions that tell me whether he’s a serial killer or not, and they’re proven to work.

ME: Like what?

SHE: Question #1: Have you ever tortured small animals or insects for fun?

ME: Good…

SHE: Question #2: Have you ever lived alone in a cabin in a land-locked state?

ME: ....

SHE: Question #3: Are you a serial killer?

ME: ...

SHE: ...

ME: ...and you say that this screening process is proven to work?

SHE: Absolutely. I am not dead.

Hanging out at the neighborhood swimming pool as a kid, I found things to be predictable.  The wooden deck, baked by the sun, was always stove hot.  Bees grew to the size of ping pong balls.  The air smelled of heat, chlorine and suntan lotion.

For some reason I remember the suicides. This quasi-forbidden beverage was a big deal to an eleven-year old boy.  A suicide was made from all the other soft drinks in the concession stand: coke, 7-Up, Dr. Pepper, and root beer.  It was never clear why this concoction struck fear into the hearts of some adults the way crack cocaine does today, but not every older teenager who worked the concession stand would make it for us. You had to ask for a suicide from one of the cooler ones, or even better, wait until the concession stand was unmanned and then sneak in and make your own.

One afternoon did not turn out to be predictable at all. That was the afternoon that an older girl, maybe fourteen or so, came into the pool area.  She wore a one-piece bathing suit, but it had a plunging neckline that showed off large fields of pale white skin.  It was as though the designer had gotten drunk while making it and completely forgot that the thing was supposed to be functional pool wear, not a sultry ballroom gown.

My friends and I had finished a game of racquetball.  We lay in the shade, dripping with sweat and drinking suicides, watching people swim in the pool. Suddenly, my friend jabbed me in the chest and said “Look. LOOK.”

Up on the high diving board, the girl prepared to jump.  She smoothed back her hair and closed her eyes. But she hadn’t realized that the right side of her plunging neckline bathing suit had flipped back, revealing her breast.

Even though she was far away, all the way up on the high dive, we could see that her nipple was startlingly red. I had never dreamed of a red that color.  It was like a strawberry ripening.  It was like a rose blooming. It was like the blinking lights that beckon airplanes to land.

And then we realized something else: the moment was continuing. She still didn’t know.  Although the pool patrons had begun to look up and see the vision shimmering above their heads, she hadn’t realized what happened. She continued her swan-like strut up and down the diving board, readying herself to jump, while her swimsuit continued its cowardly retreat.

Finally one of her friends waved at her, and she looked down, and her face turned a color of red that nearly--but not quite--matched her other exposed part. As she covered herself, the moment finally ended and we all erupted into laughter and excited talking, beginning a conversation and an exchange of impressions and opinions that would continue for several days, even weeks, to come.

I looked over at the girl a few minutes later. She was predictably mortified, but also smiling and talking with her friends. I knew that she would get on her with her life and exhibit a notable lack of permanent trauma.  Which was good, because it wouldn’t have been fair to make her pay for the gift she had given us.

And she had given us a gift.  I don’t just mean that she gave us the gift of her skin, showing us female flesh that was real and true and not trapped behind the wavy lines of a scrambled cable channel, or airbrushed frosting-pink inside the pages of a carefully hidden skin mag.  Rather, when her swimsuit flipped back and her breast burst forth, like the morning sun rising into the sky, she broke us out of our routine.  She showed us that not everything stays the same, or predictable, or staid.  She showed us that anything is possible.

Update! Barbara has another point of view.

I have belatedly started listening to the 2006 Christine Aguilera album “Back to Basics.” Aguilera usually isn’t my kind of music, but I like retro pop, and she does a fun job of doing R&B, blues, and other older styles with a modern flavor.  I particularly noted the third single from the album, “Candyman.” If you haven’t heard it, check it out.  It’s okay, I’ll wait.

I noted the song in particular because it ended up providing a lot of information about what gets Christine hot.  Now, don’t get me wrong--if I had a laminated “Friends"-style list of celebrity lust targets, she wouldn’t even make the top ten. But hey, if she’s going to start singing about things that get her going, sure I’m going to listen.  These lyrics caught my attention:

“He’s a one stop shop/makes my cherry pop
“He’s a one stop shop/makes my panties drop”

I was definitely curious. Aside from gravity, what does make Christine Aguilera’s panties drop?  So I listened carefully for the telltale signs and evaluated how I might stack up.  My score? Not very good. Here’s what she values:

“He had tattoos up and down his arm.” Very bad start.  I do not have tattoos up and down my arm. I used to have a cool scar on my chest from when I ran into an electric fence as a kid--I wasn’t too bright--but it’s long since faded. I also had a cool henna tattoo once. That has also faded.

“There’s nothing more dangerous than a boy with charm.” This one I’m good at!  I have charm!  I am particularly charismatic as I wax eloquent on lore and trivia as it pertains to old episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

“He took me to the Spider Club at Hollywood and Vine/We drank champagne and we danced all night.” I’m okay springing for champagne, but dancing all night?  That is tiring. But if it’ll get me to the dropping/popping thing as previously referenced, I can increase my cardio workouts and maybe hang in there until midnight or so.  Oh, and I’d also need to take dancing lessons.

“He had lips like sugar cane.” Well, sure, why not. I’ll dunk my face in a bowl of granulated sugar.

“He’s a one stop shop with a real big (word dropped in the song).” Err....no comment.

Maybe I’ll forget about the candyman business and settle for being a sprightly little piece of Skittles.

The furniture delivery people just left my place.  Yesterday they gave me a delivery “window” from 8 a.m. to noon.

Okay, first of all, that is not a window. A window is 30 minutes. An hour tops.  Four hours is an entire glass ceiling.

Then, they arrived at 7:30 a.m. and called me incessantly.

A four hour window and you can’t even hit that?

They asked me where I wanted everything put.  I would have told them, but I doubt they would have been willing to comply given that my directions would have included a sensitive anatomical region.

Ever hear the expression “can’t hit the broad side of a barn”? I’m officially changing that up to “can’t even make it inside a furniture delivery window.”

The Eliot Spitzer situation has ignited the old controversy over whether prostitution ought to be legalized.  Although generally I side with individual choice in these matters, I am categorically against the legalization of prostitution.  I absolutely hate shopping for items such as clothes, furniture, and even groceries. Can you imagine how stressful it would be to enter a Prostitute Emporium?  The second you walked in the door, you’d be pounced on before the bell had even stopped jingling.

MADAME: Hello sir!  How may I help you today?

ME: Uh, I’m just looking.

MADAME: Here!  Try one!  It’s the only way to tell if it fits!

(She shoves me at a tall brunette.)

ME: Ooof.

BRUNETTE: You’re hot!

ME: I’m not buying you.

BRUNETTE: Then get off me.

MADAME: How about these two blondes? This one’s Inga, and this one’s Inga! They’re very cost effective.

INGA & INGA: Ja, hello!

ME: Um, I’ve had bad experience with cheap Swedish models. They were good when I was a student, but they’re difficult to assemble and fall apart easily.  Here, let me show you.

(to Inga & Inga)

Are you in this business because your father neglected you?  Do you secretly crave his love?  Is your profession a reflection of your own self loathing?

(Inga & Inga run off crying.)

MADAME: Well, that wasn’t a fair test. Our floor models are always a bit more fragile.

ME: Look, I’m really just browsing. I don’t need--

MADAME (looking me up and down): You’re a size small, aren’t you?

ME: HEY!

MADAME: Listen, this ain’t no library. You come in, you can browse for a bit, but eventually you gotta buy. If all you want to do is watch, find yourself a DVD.

ME: Well, look, I’m kind of looking for something special.

MADAME: We can do special. Just going to cost a bit extra.

ME: It’s...well, I’m looking for a woman about 5’7, light brown hair, glasses, educated, hopefully with a bit of a midwestern twang.  I need her to read this to me so I can...you see...well, here.

(I thrust a paper in her hand. She looks at it, reads):

MADAME: “Great work on the introductory paragraph!  Be sure to work on your transitions, and also support your thesis statements with secondary reference sources. Other than that, another sterling essay and you’re well on track to a very strong report card.”

ME: My seventh grade teacher.  I’d...I’d like one of your girls to read those comments to me. Over and over. 

MADAME: Hmmm. You’re sicker than I thought you were when you walked in here.

ME: Also, I’m willing to clean erasers.

MADAME: Okay.

(She picks up a microphone)

ME: Wait, wait, this place is crowded today, do you think you could be discreet about--

MADAME: HELLO, I NEED A SANDY HAIRED MIDWESTERN JUNIOR HIGH TEACHER WITH ERASER EXPERIENCE ON AISLE FIVE.

ME: Christ!

(My boss waves to me from across the room.)

BOSS: Good job, guy!  Personally, I’m just interested in being held!

ME: I’m outta here.

Can you imagine?  Let’s all work to keep this profession underground. Besides, I like the way it takes down a politician or two every few years.  Between prostitution, fraud, and illegal donations, I predict we won’t have any politicians left by the year 2019--and frankly, that’s a world worth bequeathing to our children.

For the second week in a row, I’m stuck in a hotel room for several days.  The shampoo in my bathroom is called “Clarifying Shampoo.” I have absolutely no idea what to make of this name. It sounds like something Dumbledore would use to ferret out his enemies.

Why do they bother to put art on hotel walls?  Does anyone really walk into the room and say “Oh, a nice sailboat, I feel like home”?  More often, I wake up completely disoriented and and a bland, framed dandelion swims in front of my vision. I can’t remember whether I’m in a hotel room or a nursing home, and I resolve to quickly consult my Clarifying Shampoo.