This weekend, a bartender said something ridiculous to my friend and he winked at me beforehand.  He didn’t know me.  But in that quick, subtle gesture he let me in on the joke. I felt a brief thrill of pleasure.  I laughed at the joke when he said it.  I felt that if the bartender and I were hunched in a trench and a grenade went sailing in behind us, I’d jump on it.  I’d sacrifice my life for his.  I’d take a face full of shrapnel.

I realized that this is a big secret of people who are successful and charismatic: they have mastered the art of the wink.  They know how to use it at key moments that bring others into their confidence and confer a sense of intimacy.

I’ve tried winking a little bit myself. I’m not very good at it.  To help me, I’ve developed some rules that, I believe, help govern one’s use of the wink:

1. Get the gesture right.  It’s just a brief, barely perceptible flicker.  You shouldn’t put the entire side of your facial muscles into play. If you do, it won’t look like a subtle gesture of good natured intimacy; it will look like someone squirted lemon in your eye.

2. Only wink before you say or do something that’s meant to be funny or ironic or otherwise notable. If you wink at someone and say “Here, look at this Excel spreadsheet,” people will be confused.

3. Winking is intimate, and it’s also a quiet gesture.  So don’t employ it with other more flashy gestures of intimacy.  For example, it’s incorrect to wink at people if you’re not wearing pants.

If you learn how to do it right, use the skill with caution.  You have a special power over people, and with power comes responsibility. If you’re trying to be prom queen, don’t use it to stuff the ballot box. If you’re a criminal, don’t use it to rob people. If you’re a Republican, don’t use it to become President.  And if you’re hanging around me, be nice.  I’ll be just as cool and charismatic as you--as soon as I get this lemon out of my eye.