Geese Aplenty: I’m here with my studio audience, and I’m looking forward to help each and every one of them “cross over” into a better place.

Audience: Hooray!

Geese Aplenty: First, I’d like to explain my qualifications.  That other “Crossing Over” show is hosted by John Edward.  He has two first names.  I also have two first names.

Audience: Uh…

Geese Aplenty: It’s clear that people with two first names have special abilities that normal people don’t have.

Audience: Hooray!

Geese Aplenty: Incidentally, we also spend a lot of time correcting people who switch our names around. But that’s neither here nor there.

Audience: So you’re going to help us speak to our dead loved ones?

Geese Aplenty: Well, no.

Audience: What?!

Geese Aplenty: That’s the other show.  This show is about helping you “cross over” into reality.  You know, the place that’s real.  Where you understand that dead people can’t talk.  And people who say they can channel the dead are insane, or charlatans, or both.  Where you watch real television programs full of education, intelligence, and culture.  Like...like Smallville.

(An audience member stands up.  She is a sad looking woman who appears to have been kicked around ever since she was a child.)

Woman: But the dead want to talk to me.  You must help me hear their words!

Geese Aplenty: Oh, okay.  Let’s see.  The name of your deceased loved one begins with a consonant…

Woman: Yes!  “R” for Richard!  That’s amazing!

Geese Aplenty: And you were very close to him…

Woman: Yes!  My God!

Geese Aplenty: He was your relative…

Woman: Well, no…

Geese Aplenty: I mean, not your relative…

Woman: Yes!  My dead husband! 

Geese Aplenty: And he was special in some way…

Woman: Yes!  He was a color-blind idiot savant who could sing ‘Havah Nagilah’ while throwing salmon at random passerbys!  You are amazing and prescient!  Please tell me...what does he have to say?

Geese Aplenty: He says...he says…

Woman: Yes?  Yes?

Geese Aplenty: He says I’m frickin’ dead.  Losing a loved one is hard, but here’s something to remember: death really limits one’s ability to make small talk.  So see if you can deal with it in some way other than watching crap TV and giving yourself carpal tunnel with ouija boards.

(Woman forlornly sits down again and begins fondling a salmon.)

Audience: So wait...the dead have nothing to tell us?

Geese Aplenty: Well, not quite.  Here’s what the Dead have to tell us:

Sometimes the light’s all shinin’ on me;
Other times I can barely see.
Lately it occurs to me
What a long, strange trip it’s been.

Audience: It’s a miracle!  He’s channeling Jerry Garcia now!

(Taping is interrupted as host of show starts throwing flower pots at studio audience. Carnage ensues.)