I’m not surprised that the Toys ‘R Us near me recently closed its doors.  It was the kind of store that you could walk around in and sense impending death.  The ground was sticky; the fluorescent lights were pale and tired. Customer service had already died--the only way you could talk to a store representative was to buy a Ouija board and conjure someone up.  And even that wouldn’t always work.  “CAN YOU HELP ME FIND THE STUFFED ANIMALS?”........."NO."

The store layout had long since been neglected and forgotten.  Instead of a smooth segue between age and genders, you walked down one aisle full of Barbies and then confronted an army of toy tanks and then found yourself back with Barbies. I had seen stores like this before--all of the K-Marts were like this before the chain went bankrupt.  “Never buy a TV from here,” a K-Mart clerk told me once while pointing at the rows of Sharp televisions, although I hadn’t said anything about buying a TV and had no intention of doing so.  He nodded at me conspiratorially and then went back behind the counter, presumably to finish filling out an application to work at Target--which, back in those days, was to K-Mart what a young, beautiful girl was to Karl Rove.

Anyway, the point is that this year I’m buying a birthday present for my niece online.  I’ve been pouring through the Amazon/Toys ‘R Us site, and my only real guideline is to avoid the toys and games that overtly pander to gender or prematurely encourage consumerism: i.e., “‘Lil Princess Makeup Kit” or “My First Purse!” Once, at the Toys ‘R Us store, I saw a McDonald’s play cart complete with fake food and an apron.  Who the hell gives that to their kids?  Although I guess it’s a nice way of getting the whole “We’re not paying for your college education” conversation out of the way really early.

I don’t know why I bother worrying about the gender/consumerism thing.  At age two, Cameron loves playing with a broken cell phone and an inactive credit card that her parents gave her.  I’m surprised her first words weren’t “Why yes, I would like overdraft protection.”

In order to help guide me online, I find myself reading the customer reviews closely.  I’ve never paid attention to the reviews before--when it comes to books and movies and CDs, I usually know what I want.  But parents know far more than I do about these things.  Or so I thought.  I suddenly realized I was wading through review after review that sounded more like the child than the parent:

“OMG...we’ve STACKED UP THE BLOCKS all over the house!  It’s so much fun!  We make SHAPES like you wouldn’t BELIEVE!”

“LOL!  ROFLMAO!  The Wiggles guitar plays ALL our favorite Wiggles songs!  We can’t get enough of it!  I can’t do my housework, because I’m playing WIGGLES SONGS!  And little Bernie loves it too--when I let him have it!!!!!”

I wondered if I was being judgmental, and not realizing what happens to parents who are alone with their kids all day--of course they probably get into this stuff.  But then I kept reading:

“Hello, this is Bernard--please do not address me as ‘Bernie’ as mother does.  I would like to apologize for her somewhat overly enthusiastic reviewing style; she had far too much caffeine and too little sleep, the latter of which I do take some responsibility for as I detest naptime.  Oh, and as for the instrument, it’s a pleasant diversion, I suppose, although I prefer to let mother entertain herself with it while I teach myself A Fire Inside and Yeah Yeah Yeahs songs on my two-toned Sunburst Stratocaster.”