Like most intellectually lazy overeducated liberals in the Bay Area, I listen to a lot of National Public Radio.  And one NPR program I like is a segment called “This I Believe.” This spot always features some earnest, well-meaning guest speaker going on about some NPR-ish topic like finding peace within ourselves and why people should appreciate whales. 

No one ever asks me to guest host this program, although they should, so here is my own take at “This I Believe.” I’m sure my pearls of wisdom will create such a ripple effect across our social fabric that eventually I’ll be guest hosting “Fresh Air,” cracking wise on “Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me,” and also guest starring on Lost, which has nothing to do with NPR but it would be kind of cool.  So anyway, here my “This I Believe”:

Cheap wine tastes better if you pour it into one of those big honkin’ glasses that look all impressive and expensive.

Hybrid cars shouldn’t be allowed in the carpool lane until the drivers get those self-satisfied smirks off their faces.

The more ridiculous a paint color is ("Twilight Fuchsia"), the worse it will look on your wall.

Asking my opinion about the Superbowl is about as productive as having a family counseling session with Lizzy Borden.

Bulk cereal in those big plastic bags is a good buy, except that if you tear where it says “Tear Here” the bag always breaks open and spills on to the floor, thus mitigating some of the economic savings.

The way Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears have handled their 20something careers proves that I really underappreciated Madonna when she was starting out.

Although I still hate most of Madonna’s songs.  “Into the Groove” is okay.

Although I’m glad no one ever said “Get into the groove boy, you’ve got to prove your love to me,” because the only thing I can prove with my dancing is that I’ve got all the rhythm of an epileptic elephant.

People who describe themselves as complicated or multi-faceted are invariably very simple.

Good and evil may be difficult to quantify, but anyone who texts votes to American Idol is morally bankrupt.

Excellent! Now let the offers roll in.