People tell me that they’re drawn to religion so they can think of something larger than themselves.  It’s a line of reasoning I can never understand.  If I want to encounter something larger than myself, I just have to go to the movies. Some bozo is always in the seat in front of me, forcing me to watch his head in widescreen instead of letting me see Uma Thurman kill Bill.

I want to tap them on the shoulder and suggest that they curl up into a fetal position for a few hours, or simply migrate to the designated “Big Head” section of the theater (as mandated by the Surgeon General), but I never do because what if everyone is right and this person who is larger than myself is, in fact, God?  He’d be all, “Back it up homes or I’ll turn you into a pillar of salt or something.” And I’d be all, “What are you doing at a Tarantino flick anyway?  Shouldn’t You be watching The Passion?” And He’d be all, “Right, dawg, like I need to see some crazy actor try to recreate My home movies.  Besides, I’ve been finetuning the Cosmic Plan all day and the last thing I feel like doing is reading a bunch of subtitles.”