I have belatedly started listening to the 2006 Christine Aguilera album “Back to Basics.” Aguilera usually isn’t my kind of music, but I like retro pop, and she does a fun job of doing R&B, blues, and other older styles with a modern flavor.  I particularly noted the third single from the album, “Candyman.” If you haven’t heard it, check it out.  It’s okay, I’ll wait.

Candyman Video

I noted the song in particular because it ended up providing a lot of information about what gets Christine hot.  Now, don’t get me wrong--if I had a laminated “Friends"-style list of celebrity lust targets, she wouldn’t even make the top ten. But hey, if she’s going to start singing about things that get her going, sure I’m going to listen.  These lyrics caught my attention:

“He’s a one stop shop/makes my cherry pop
“He’s a one stop shop/makes my panties drop”

I was definitely curious. Aside from gravity, what does make Christine Aguilera’s panties drop?  So I listened carefully for the telltale signs and evaluated how I might stack up.  My score? Not very good. Here’s what she values:

“He had tattoos up and down his arm.” Very bad start.  I do not have tattoos up and down my arm. I used to have a cool scar on my chest from when I ran into an electric fence as a kid--I wasn’t too bright--but it’s long since faded. I also had a cool henna tattoo once. That has also faded.

“There’s nothing more dangerous than a boy with charm.” This one I’m good at!  I have charm!  I am particularly charismatic as I wax eloquent on lore and trivia as it pertains to old episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

“He took me to the Spider Club at Hollywood and Vine/We drank champagne and we danced all night.” I’m okay springing for champagne, but dancing all night?  That is tiring. But if it’ll get me to the dropping/popping thing as previously referenced, I can increase my cardio workouts and maybe hang in there until midnight or so.  Oh, and I’d also need to take dancing lessons.

“He had lips like sugar cane.” Well, sure, why not. I’ll dunk my face in a bowl of granulated sugar.

“He’s a one stop shop with a real big (word dropped in the song).” Err....no comment.

Maybe I’ll forget about the candyman business and settle for being a sprightly little piece of Skittles.