Vice President Dick Cheney has been the subject of media scrutiny recently after being part of a brief hospital visit. However, an adviser has assured the press that Cheney isn’t suffering from anything more serious than the common cold.

Mary Matalin, a former top White House aide to the 63-year-old vice president, took particular pains to assure everyone that Cheney wasn’t being punished by God for his sins.

“That’s just a ludicrous rumor,” Matalin said.  “There is absolutely no theological evidence to suggest that Mr. Cheney is ill as a result of transgressing against God.  We have looked into it, and virtually no one believes that to be the case.”

Cheney has often taken the high ground with his opponents, despite the shady dealings of his former company, Haliburton, and his own support for the current war in Iraq. Some political observers have suggested that God is tired of Cheney positioning himself as a good and moral person, and His direct intervention has resulted in Cheney’s failing health.

“The liberal press has been quick to say ‘God did this’ and “God did that,’” Matalin continued. “But we are firm in our belief that Mr. Cheney’s troubles are the result of the common cold and have absolutely nothing to do with balancing the scales of justice as determined by an angry and omniscient deity.”

In regards to the alleged crucifix that appeared in a fiery red blaze on Cheney’s forehead before mysteriously disappearing, Matalin replied, “That’s just an old scar.  It’s visible when he’s under stress and then it goes away.  It’s not a symbol or portent of anything.”

Cheney has also reportedly been mumbling to himself in Latin while in the grips of his current fever, although he never studied the language in school.

“I dunno,” Matalin said.  “Maybe he picked it up from the back of dollar bills or whatever. It could happen.  We don’t think it’s a big deal.”