I was very interested to see that Jennifer Garner does a recruiting pitch on the CIA’s official employment site.  If you’re anything like me, you trust Jennifer as a subject matter expert and have been impressed with her careful and strategic approach to field work in the service of our country.  And you probably want to know what she has to say to prospective young recruits.

But you probably don’t want to wait for a long, clunky video to load and play.  Therefore, I’ve decided to help out by providing a transcript below:

“I’m Jennifer Garner.  I play a CIA officer on the ABC TV series Alias. In the real world, the CIA serves as our country’s first line of defense in the ongoing war against international terrorism.  Right now, the CIA has important, exciting jobs for US citizens.

The only part about the job that kind of sucks is wearing all those wigs.  And the skintight outfits. They ride up in back, and sometimes get in the way of completing the mission.  Travel is a bit rough too; sometimes you have to jet around the world in a manner of minutes, and that creates some serious jet lag.

However, I’m here to tell you that the whole bit about CIA life ruining personal relationships is a complete myth. Take me, for example. I’ve been able to rebuild my relationship my distant father, and although I had a rocky start with my mother--who was a double agent and Russian assassin--we’re doing pretty well now.

Of course, my first fiancee was killed by a clandestine terrorist organization and my second fiancee also appears to be a double agent, but hey, that could happen in any job.

So by all means:  Join the CIA and be just like me.  Unless you’re fat, old, or ugly, in which case we don’t want you.  The FBI might, though.  You might want to touch bases with Gillian Anderson on that.”