(I walk through the front door, exhausted.)

TIVO: Hey buddy!  Welcome back!  Good day at work?

ME: Long, if you must know.

TIVO: Sure it was!  No problem, pal!  I’ve got some shows all ready for you!

ME: What do you mean, you’ve got some shows?  I didn’t tell you to record anything.

TIVO: Exactly!  That’s why they’re…

(Bursting with pride)

..."TIVO suggestions”!  You see, we’ve been hanging out for a few months now, and I can tell what you like to watch!  So I’ve recorded some shows accordingly!  And today I’ve got...Bonanza!

ME: What, the old western?

TIVO:  Yeah!  Yeah, that’s the one!  It’s great!  C’mon, sit yourself down and we’ll rustle up some cattle and head on down to the Ponderosa!  Yeeeee-hah!

ME: Look, I don’t watch Bonanza.  The show’s older than I am and I’ve never even seen a single episode in reruns.

TIVO: But...but...I’m “suggesting” you watch it.

ME: And I’m suggesting you stick your metal head in a cuisinart, you beeping, happy-noise-making freakshow.  You haven’t been paying attention at all, have you?

TIVO: What--what do you mean?

ME: If you’d really been paying attention while I’ve been watching TV, you know I basically watch two things: shows that make me laugh, and anything with a spaceship.

TIVO: Oh...but...y’know, Bonanza has some pretty snappy dialogue...and its star, Lorne Greene, went on to do a show with a spaceship…

ME: Shut the hell up about Bonanza.  Admit it...you haven’t paid attention to my shows.  In fact, you’ve been dozing off during them, haven’t you?

TIVO: Hahaha!  It is to laugh!  Here, let me make some happy beeping noises--

ME: HAVEN’T YOU.

(long pause)

TIVO: Look, no offense, I don’t care who the killer is on Veronica Mars--

ME: Why you--

TIVO: And Aqua Teen Hunger Force--to be honest, I just don’t get it--that guy looks like a bunch of french fries, and I’m supposed to laugh?  Your taste in TV sucks.

ME: Let me find a hammer.  I’m going to turn you into modern art.

TIVO: Okay okay!  You know, let’s start over again. I’ve made some mistakes, you’ve made some mistakes.  But don’t you like my convenience?  My ease-of-use?  Haven’t we had some good times together? 

ME: (Glaring)

TIVO: Let’s just start fresh.  C’mon, man, what do you say? 

ME: Yeah, okay.

TIVO: Here, sit down and we’ll watch some TV together.

ME: Okay, okay.  Fine.

TIVO: ...in fact, I recorded the perfect thing just earlier today.  Anyone up for some good, wholesome family hijinks, Seventh Heaven style?