In complete defiance of all those over the years who have complained that I never write about anything important, here is a ripped-from-the-headlines discussion of the Oxford comma, also known as the “serial comma.” The summary of the discussion is as follows: anyone who uses the serial comma is one of the Chosen; anyone who doesn’t is a mutton head.

The serial comma is where you use a comma after the last item in a sentence to designate a list. For example:

“Greg blogs about wheat, toads, and potstickers.”

Here’s the same sentence without the serial comma:

“Greg blogs about wheat, toads and potstickers.”

Note how that sentence is completely confusing.  Why does “wheat” get its own little special space of the universe, while “toads” and “potstickers” are jammed together like frat boys in the back of a pickup? Are those two items somehow connected? Is there a cosmic meaning that one should derive from their breathless union?

Of course not, and that’s why each item needs a comma.  Those items are begging for a comma. If they don’t have a comma, they don’t look right. You stare at them and you sense something wrong.  Something out of place.  Something that strikes at the core of their identity. Like Lindsay Lohan with an alcohol monitoring bracelet.

The problem is, there’s no consensus. Most grammar books will say “Whatever, you can do it both ways.” However, before you shrug off responsibility for the issue and embrace the ambiguity, let’s take a look at two people who dislike the serial comma.  You will see why it is not wise to align yourself with their camp.

1) Lynn Truss, author of the best-selling grammar book Eats, Shoots & Leaves.  Despite the title of her book being an homage to the confusion caused by the lack of the serial comma, she writes: “My own feeling is that one shouldn’t be too rigid about the Oxford comma. Sometimes the sentence is improved by including it; sometimes it isn’t.” Whatever. Truss is from Britain, where the serial comma is typically not used, so her opinion is worthless.  The Brits weren’t that wishy washy about taking over the world, were they?  The sun no longer rises and sets on the British empire, and it’s all because of their highly problematic handling of the serial comma.

2) Some jerk at a job interview several years ago.  I was applying for a communications position at PeopleSoft, and one of the first questions my interviewer asked me was my opinion on the Oxford comma. I said I used it; he said that he didn’t. And what happened a few years later? Oracle bought PeopleSoft and fired most of its employees.  And why? Opinions vary, but I believe it’s because PeopleSoft didn’t use the serial comma.

Now, to be fair, a Wikipedia article on the subject does give some interesting examples of confusion that is created by the use of the serial comma.  But these examples are flawed.  Here’s one of the sentences used to show the potential problems of the serial comma:

“To my mother, Ayn Rand and God.”

The meaning of this sentence is clear. This is obviously a list of three. But if the serial comma is used:

“To my mother, Ayn Rand, and God. “

The commas appear to be setting off “Ayn Rand” from the rest of the items, suggesting that the writer’s mother is Ayn Rand.  This serves to confuse rather than clarify the sentence.

My response? Give me a break, Wikipedia; Ayn Rand was a windbag who wrote character speeches that literally went on for sixty pages.  If you were Ayn Rand’s child, you would not be dedicating things to her; you would be in therapy. Therefore, it’s impossible to read the sentence to mean that the writer’s mother is Ayn Rand, which serves to prove my point that the serial comma is always correct and its omission is always wrong.

As we head into another election season, it will be the responsibility of each and every citizen to choose allegiances and make decisions. To do that, you must first find out who you are. I mean--who you really are. Are you a proponent of the serial comma? Or are you one of the rump-fed ratbrain maggot pies who seek to destroy civilization as we know it? Be the former.  Join us.  We are waiting for you.

We are happy, hopeful, and enlightened.