In his Monday speech aimed at reassuring a domestic audience that has grown uncomfortable over his handling of Iraq, President Bush vowed to transfer “full sovereignty” to an Iraqi provisional government on June 30th.  At the same time, he promised to maintain 138,000 U.S. troops in Iraq “under American command.” The dual commitments have left observers increasingly skeptical of the impending power transfer to Iraq; many believe that the U.S. will continue to remain in the country, for all intents and purposes, as an occupying force.

However, the administration has released new documents detailing the specifics of the power transfer, hoping to allay these concerns.  According to the documents, the transfer will give the new Iraq government significant roles, responsibilities, and privileges, including:

Having full authority over the TV remote.

Obtaining a 30-day grace period for peer-to-peer file sharing without being sued by the RIAA.

Complete control over the Iraq militia, although live firearms will be replaced with up-to-date “Lazer Tag” beam guns and chest plates.

The ability to put on the cheeriest, frilliest Maypole in the entire Middle East.

A special screening of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, attended by the stars--minus Emma Watson, because she’s disturbingly young-yet-grown-up and she makes some of the more radical clerics, such as Muqtada Al-Sadr, feel a little funny.

Choosing whether to ship oil to the United States in the standard gray or black barrels or have them painted with festive red, white, and blue stripes.

Having votes count twice in American Idol phone-in competitions.

The ability to kow-tow in full, official government regalia.

Assistance with marketing high-value consumer products to Iraqi citizens such as the baseball cap with the attached beer cans.

Complete discretion over where to bury all the bodies.