Some people wonder when it’s necessary to enter into couples therapy.  Personally, I like to do it on the first date.

It’s pretty simple to do as long as I don’t tell her about it in advance.  I take her to dinner, maybe a couple of drinks, and Boom--Suddenly we’re inside an office with wood paneling and framed degrees on the wall.  I say, “Well, doctor, I think she thinks that I undertipped at the restaurant. It sounds trivial now, but it will escalate into major problems down the line.”

The best part is when she’s staring at me incredulously.  “See?” I like to point out.  “She’s completely dumbstruck.  This indicates a lack of trust and commitment.”

People tell me that they believe in therapy because it helps them “work” on themselves.  You know what I’m working on these days? My upstairs bathroom. The grouting is insane. Apparently, the former owners of my house thought that grout was like a gang sign and you should “tag” your bathroom.  The grouting is all over the place, kind of like Obama explaining why he’s committing more troops to Afghanistan. Unless therapy involves grouting, I categorically refuse to spend my free time “working” on anything.

None of this is to say that I don’t think that couples can’t benefit from a third party perspective.  I genuinely believe that people in love should visit someone who can assess them objectively, explain their current situation, and help them map out a path for the future. It’s just that I don’t call this individual a therapist--I call this person an accountant.