Scene: Frank and Joe, two overweight middle-aged men, sit around a shabby living room drinking whiskey.

Frank: I can’t believe I had to move back in with you.

Joe: Well, your divorce pretty much wiped you out so you didn’t have much choice.

Frank: Marriage was rough.  Remember our school days when I dated Callie and you dated Lola? They were great girls.

Joe: Yeah, but they turned gay in college and now they’re shacked up with Nancy Drew.

Frank: Nancy is not gay, she’s bisexual. She kissed me once.

Joe: That was after you signed your divorce papers, Tom Swift. It was just a friendly, compassionate gesture intended to shut you up because you wouldn’t stop whining.

Frank: Look, I know from a kiss. Nancy’s bi, with a heavy leaning towards all things Frank.

Joe: Whatever man.

Frank: I think we just need a mystery. We haven’t had one in years.

Joe: Sure we have. The mystery of your exploding waistline.

(The phone rings. Joe takes a swig of whiskey and answers it.)

Joe: Yeah?....oh really?...Wow! Okay! (He hangs up.) It’s Dad! He needs our help!

Frank: Finally! After all this time, a new mystery! Even if he is Fenton Hardy, world-famous detective, he often calls upon the services of his sons when his considerable skills have been taxed to the limit! What’s the challenge?

Joe: Frank, you know Dad’s in a nursing home. It’s not a mystery--he just can’t find his socks.

Frank: Uh...well, that’s how it starts. But mark my words, there’s danger in the offing. This will be “The Secret of the Stolen Socks”! Er...or maybe “The Treasure-Filled Socks!” Hmmm...maybe “The Skull-Colored Socks”....you know, this is hard. I’ve never had to do this with ‘socks’ in the title. It sort of saps the momentum.

Joe: Think about it in the car. Let’s get going.

Frank: Okay, but here! (He tosses a coil of rope at Joe.) Tie me up first!

Joe: What? Why?

Frank: You know that the next few days will be divided into very short segments, each one punctuated with some sort of cliffhanger or exciting revelation. Eventually we’ll be tied up by masked thugs, and we’ll need to perform some sort of trickery in order to slip our bonds. Like, once we tensed our muscles so that the rope fell slack as soon as we relaxed. Another time we rubbed our tied wrists on a doorknob. We never use the same trick twice. But it’s been a while and I want to make sure I’m prepared!

Joe: Dude, I’m not tying you up. That’s just weird.

Frank: Come on! I need to practice!

Joe: Okay, fine. (He ties up Frank, then heads for the door.) Consider this on-the-job training, Houdini.

Frank: Wait! Come back! (The door slams.) Damn.

(Frank thrashes around a bit. Then he rolls over to the table and kicks it over. When the phone crashes to the floor, Frank leans over it and dials the numbers using his nose.)

Frank: Nancy? Hey, it’s Frank...oh, hey, I didn’t mean to interrupt you and Callie and Lola watching Thelma and Louise again, but listen, I’m in a jam. I’m nearing the end of an adventure, and--right, exactly, I’m all tied up. Can you come over and help me out?...oh thanks, you’re the best...oh, it’s no big deal. Just some chums went missing. And there’s an ancient Aztec artifact. And some smugglers...okay, see you soon.

(Frank rolls away from the phone, but then rolls back:)

Oh, and Nancy--just for old times sake, do you think you could dress up in one of your old high school outfits? Like, a poodle skirt and bobby socks and a big magnifying glass? It’ll be just for laughs, ha ha ha ha...hello?