1. Use the word “boondoggle” whenever possible, even if it has nothing to do with anything.  I.e. “I can’t decide what to name my cat.” “Perhaps you should name your cat ‘Boondoggle.’”

2. Write my novel.  Already got a great first sentence: “Ashley had everything: beauty, money, intelligence, and syphilis.”

3. Post a picture of me in the badass trenchcoat I got for X-Mas; I look like Fargo North, Decoder.

4. Corollary to #3: stop making pop culture references that are 20 years out of date.

5. Be more sensitive to her needs.

6. Stop talking to my friends who work in the entertainment industry.  I became extremely depressed after two people told me that Lauren Graham is a primadonna and everyone hates working with her.

7. Accept more endorsement deals for “Geese Aplenty.” But start modestly (kitchen magnets, bubble blowers) before moving to high-end products (luxury cars).

8. Spend more time at the office.  I don’t want to say on my deathbed “If only I had written more ad copy.”

9. Beef up reading habits--get through entire funnies section each day, up to and including “Marmaduke.”

10. Become prison pen pals with Martha Stewart.