He always reaches over and takes the last of your french fries.

He weaves in and out of freeway lanes so you can’t pass.

He leeches off your internet connection to download porn.

He fumbles with ATM machines with a huge line standing behind him.

He talks about what happened this week on Lost without asking if you’ve already seen it.

He refers to himself as a “consumer advocate,” the way other people refer to themselves as “unusually dichotomous” or “crazily spontaneous.”

He claims to be “anti big business” but makes it his own business to be on television for no real reason.

He thought The Bucket List was pretty funny.

His supporters talk at you with a frightening, glassy-eyed intensity that make Obama fans seem mellow by comparison.

You should have heard what he said about you when your back was turned.