FAQ: All About the Audience Studies “Dads” videotape that you just received. (updated November 3, 2006)

Hi! Thanks for Googling “Audience Studies” or “Dads” or “Rocky LaPorte” or whatever you just Googled.  Here’s a FAQ that will give you the answers you seek!

Q: What the hell is “Audience Studies” and this videotape of “Dads” they just sent me?  Are they on the level?

A: It depends what you mean by “on the level.” Yes, they are a market research company.  However, they’re not interested in your opinion of the sit-com “Dads” starring C. Thomas Howell, Rue McClanahan, and a regrettably clothed Jane Sibbett. All they want to do is find out your opinion of the commercials on the videotape.  Audience Studies does market research on commercials, not TV shows.

You mean “Dads” doesn’t exist?
Oh, it existed.  It was a failed TV pilot back in 1997.  Here, I’ll prove it.  Audience Studies bought the rights to the pilot and now uses it to market research commercials by sending out the pilot to schlubs like yourself.  Their people will call you and ask a few gratuitous questions about the show, but most of the questions will be about the commercials.

So it’s kind of a scam.
Now you’ve got it!

Has anyone won their sweepstakes for participating in this sham?
I can’t say “no,” but I haven’t heard of anyone winning.

Will the tape really erase when I play it?
Yes, because there’s a magnet attached to the tape. If you remove the magnet, the tape won’t self-erase.  And you should do this, because then you can mail the tape to me and allow me to hold a “Dads” viewing party, like I’ve always wanted.  Seriously, this show is so bad that it makes Rocky Horror look like Citizen Kane.  It would make for a great party.

What should I do if I meet the CEO of Audience Studies on the street?
Twist his nose like a corkscrew.  We hates him!  Forever!

What should I do if I meet C. Thomas Howell on the street?
Point and laugh. Don’t worry--he’s used to it.

What should I do if I meet Jane Sibbett on the street?
Ask her if she’s a lesbian like her character on “Friends.” She loves that question.

Okay, I hope you found the answers to your questions.  Now feel free to read the original blog post below and enjoy its harmless comedy antics.  And enjoy the subsequent comments, some of which were left by actual Audience Studies telemarketers.  And if you enjoyed this public service, seriously--take the magnet off and mail me the videotape.  I’ll invite you to my “Dads” viewing party!

Your pal,
Geese Aplenty

I did something completely out of character the other day; I answered my land line.  People who know me call my cell.  But I had a strange compulsion to pick it up when it rang. My friend Frank was there, and she stared at me like I was an idiot while I carried on a conversation with someone I obviously didn’t know.

The end result was, I agreed to have a videotape mailed to me of a TV show pilot and give my opinions about it.

What else was I to do?  If only the right people had participated in prior audience studies, perhaps Twin Peaks wouldn’t have been cancelled.  Perhaps Seventh Heaven would be.

All it takes for evil to prevail is for good men to do nothing.

Still, my heart sank when the videotape arrived and I looked at the title.  Dads.  That didn’t sound promising.

Except maybe it was a sequel to My Two Dads! That would be cool. Let’s say the cute daughter grew up, became an addict, and overdosed.  Torn apart by emotional anguish, Greg Evigan and Paul Reiser become bloodthirsty vigilantes who hunt and kill criminals.

Think of the tag line: “DADS.  This time...evil has been grounded.” I’d watch that show.

But no.  For one thing, Dads stars C. Thomas Howell.

For another, the concept makes me want to take a bath just thinking about it. Dads is an alleged situation comedy about three single fathers bringing up cute, well-adjusted children.  The plot of the show I watched dealt with one of the dads wanting to have his kid’s birthday party at his house, whereas his ex-wife wanted it at hers. 

This isn’t the Brady Bunch; these are seven year old kids.  There’s three sets of them, and they’re all dealing with being in a broken family. I don’t mean to get all Red State on you, but hello: I think there’s more important issues than a goddamn birthday party at stake in their lives.  Why is this concept funny?

Another thing: Jane Sibbett is in it.  I like Jane Sibbett. (You know her as Ross’s lesbian ex-wife on Friends.) But as the love interest to the Main Dad, she wasn’t given anything to do.  She was, if you’ll pardon the expression, the straight woman.

And then there’s Rue McClanahan.  Yes, she’s in it too.  In fact, the credits say “And Rue McClanahan as Dr. Neuhauser.” When you do the “And As” bit, it’s supposed to be for an actor you’re happy to have around.  Like “And William Shatner as Denny Crane.” You don’t do that with Rue McClanahan.  You say “And we grudgingly admit that we also cast Rue McClanahan because no one else would take the job.”

Rue McClanahan plays a single parent’s counselor.  She has a German accent.  Why? Because she’s strict and no-nonsense. Get it? Strict and stern personality=German.  You know when that stopped being funny? About TEN YEARS AFTER WORLD WAR II.

So anyway, I thought I’d share my answers to the evaluation form:

Which character did you like the best?
Jane Sibbett’s. Not because she was funny, but because I like her and having her there reminded me that there is, in the world, such things as jokes and comic timing, which I had almost forgotten by the time I finished watching this.

Which character did you like the least?
I don’t know.  I couldn’t tell the dads apart.  They were a huge land mass of indistinguishable Dad-ness. I didn’t like C. Thomas Howell much in Soul Man, if that counts.

Should there be equal elements of comedy and drama in the show?
There’s already an equal amount--zero--of each.

Should a message or lesson be included in each episode?
You mean, like realizing that by sitting through this, your life has gone horribly, horribly wrong?

If “Dads” becomes a regularly scheduled, half-hour situation comedy, would you watch?
I’d rather spend the next ten years in Abu Ghirab.

The good news: these sample videotapes erase themselves as you’re watching them,* and I’m pretty sure my copy took the careers of C. Thomas Howell, Rue McClanahan, and Jane Sibbett along with it.  Unfortunately, it also succeeded in erasing most of my brain cells.

Still, I did my part to prevent this monstrosity from ever reaching your televisions. I took one for the team.  You’re welcome.

*And yet, there’s nothing in the instructions that asks you not to make fun of the show on your web site.  Suckers.