“Bush to Unveil Plan for Revival.”

I sure the heck hope he’s talking about the economy, and not, say, the career of Daryl Hall and John Oates.

Number of hours I had nothing important to do: 5
Number of cocktail makers previously received as housewarming gift: 1
Number of months said maker had been left relatively unused: 6
Number of martini glasses won over New Year’s: 6
Number of drinks I decided to make on Sunday: 4 (regular martini, apple martini, manhattan, black russian)
Number of drinks I intended to consume: 2
Number of drinks I intended to give to roommate: 2
Roommate’s appreciation of cool cocktail maker and martini glasses, on scale of 1 to 10: 10
Roommate’s appreciation of the taste of alcohol in any given form, on scale of 1 to 10: 1
Drinks actually consumed by roommate: 0
Deviation from plan, in terms of unconsumed drinks: 2
Drinks consumed by me as a consequence: 4
Number of hours spent somewhat inebriated: 3
Number of hours spent watching bad LeeLee Sobieski movies on HBO: 3

In response to a previous post, someone expressed disappointment that I’m not like Han Solo.  Well, it’s true--he married a princess from Alderaan, is a crack shot with a laser pistol, and represents the epitome of coolness for an entire generation.  Still, we do have some similarities.  In the interests of painting a more complete picture, I wanted to list them here.

1. We are both followed around by a large, fuzzy thing who acts human but isn’t.  He has Chewbacca, and I have my roommate’s cat.

2. People call his trusty ship, the Millenium Falcon, a “hunk of junk.” I hear the same thing about my Honda Civic.

3. Han played a key role in erradicating the forces of evil from the universe.  I recycle bottles, cans, and paper products as appropriate.

4. Han is played by actor Harrison Ford, who turns on Callista Flockhart.  (She recently agreed to marry him.) In the past, I have “turned on” Callista Flockhart by activating my television in preparation for watching “Ally McBeal.”

5. Prior to joining the rebel alliance, Han made his living as a smuggler.  I have smuggled several cans of Foster’s beer into various movie theaters.

6. Han was once frozen in a block of carbonite.  I was born in Alaska, where it can be very cold.

7. Han has trouble kickstarting his ship into hyperspace.  I have trouble breaking a nine-minute mile.

8. At times Han’s ship completely sputters and shuts down.  At times my computer performs an “illegal operation” and shuts down.  (Said illegal operation might indeed be another kind of smuggling, which would add to the smuggling similarity already mentioned in #5.)

9. Han is pursued relentlessly by bounty hunters.  I am pursued relentlessly by jury duty summons.

10. We both have noses.

You know how English teachers always end their lectures with some inane homily like “There’s a little Jane Eyre/David Copperfield/Hamlet in all of us”?  Well, I really do think there’s a little Han Solo in all of us.  It’s just that there’s more in me than in most of you.

Separated at birth?

There couldn’t be anything more domestic about the International House of Pancakes. Their “German” pancakes, for example, are just American pancakes that the chef has stepped on, thrown against the wall, and slathered with lemon butter.

One shudders to imagine the American tourist in Germany. He or she orders breakfast, stares down at the plate in disbelief, and signals for the waiter: “I’m sorry, you’re going to have to take these back. And could you please give me directions to your nearest IHOP? I’m looking forward to sampling the cuisine of your fine country, but I really need to have it cooked right.”

I know this isn’t the point, but there’s something funny about the headline “Expelled U.N. Inspectors Leave North Korea.”

“What did they get you for?”

“Oh, I didn’t know the capital of Uzbekistan.”

“Man, they’re tough. I was all, ‘Look, all I need to know is how to detect fuel rods in your nuclear reactors.’ And they’re all, ‘We like our U.N. inspectors to be a just a little more well rounded than that.”

It’s the year 2003, and I have successfully grilled turkey burgers. Thanks for everyone’s advice, comments, and sarcasm.

Next up is marinated steak. And then martinis, so I can make use of the martini glasses I won at my friend’s New Year’s Eve party.

(No, I’m not going to the grill the martinis. I just mean, I’m going to learn to make them.)

Oh. And happy frickin’ New Year. They’ve been delayed a few years, but I predict that this is the year the monoliths are coming to do some schoolin’. You scoff now, but we’ll see who becomes a highly evolved, glowing baby and who doesn’t.