So this person was all I’m going to go home now, and I’m all Let me walk you out to your car because it’s dark outside, and she’s all Listen I have a green belt, and I’m all What the hell does it matter how well you can accessorize? We’re talking about self defense here.

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Online error message recently viewed: “Please try again later, or contact us if you feel there is something else going wrong or need assistants.” Why yes, I do need assistants--but preferably not from your secretarial pool, as I prefer that my assistants, in addition to fetching lattes and buffing my nails, are able to, y’know, proofread.

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Scariest haircut ever: I’m sitting in the chair and “Hella Good” by No Doubt starts piping through the speakers and my barbertrix starts humming and tapping and then even dancing a bit.  Listen, if I wanted a Gwen Stefani-inspired ‘do, I’d commute to Los Angeles every two months and get one from her personal stylist.  Put the scissors down and back away from my chair.