I didn’t expect any helpful energy-saving tips when I opened up the newsletter from Pacific Gas & Electric Company, but I thought at least maybe I would get a useful reminder such as “Wear sweaters in the house.” That’s a useful tip.  I’m completely okay with getting that tip.  Instead I read: “Lower the thermostat five degrees from where you would normally have it.  You’d be surprised how much energy you can save.”

Oh, well, I didn’t even think about how easy it might be to simply lower the thermostat.  That’s just brilliant.  Except for the fact that at the height of winter--when the icy, death-white fingers of the Norwegian Frost Giants curl around your throat with bone-chilling ease--five degrees in your house is the difference between wanting to play sand volleyball in your living room and curling up on the carpet, desperately trying to hibernate until the St. Bernard can find you with his barrel of bourbon.  Five degrees is nothing to simply write off.  I couldn’t even the read the rest of the newsletter; I knew it would be stuff like “Think warm thoughts.  If that doesn’t work, think warmer thoughts.”

Screw you, PG&E.  I’m presenting my own tips for staying warm.  That’s right.  This site, which is completely unaffiliated with your corrupt and morally bankrupt institution, is willing to shoulder your burden and provide the energy saving tips that all right-thinking people need to survive the chilly months ahead.  You can save energy and warm up by:

1. Getting in bar fights.

2. Dancing around the room playing air guitar to Franz Ferdinand’s “Your Diary.”

3. Calling your friends and relatives whom you’re steamed at and get into blood-raising shouting matches.

4. Reading the blogs in your daily feeds out loud, acting out the posts with elaborate hand gestures and reciting the words in a heavy Scottish brogue.

5. Drinking Irish coffee with breakfast, hot buttered rum with lunch, and hot toddies with dinner.  Food optional.

6. Taking a hot bath with red food coloring in the water; turn on the shower and pretend it’s the last days of Krakatoa.

7. Buying up remaindered Ann Coulter books and starting bonfires all over town.

8. Juggling midgets.

You’re welcome.