I’ve been having a strange recurring dream where I’m back in school and completely unprepared for it.

Ever see Top Secret?  There’s a scene where Val Kilmer is being tortured by Nazis. He drifts into unconsciousness and dreams he’s late for a test and he hasn’t studied. He screams, “My God...I’m back in school!” And then he wakes up and realizes he’s being tortured by Nazis and he says “Thank goodness.”

Well, I’m actually having that dream.  The first few times I just ignored it.  But I recently had it again, which means it’s been coming and going now for several months.

Is it because my brain is somehow reacting to the fact that I spent most of my life--all through my 20s--in school?  Is it some sort of sublimated anxiety about current projects at work? I don’t know.  But I remember that when I was little, I could sometimes concentrate during my waking hours and eventually control my bad dreams.

It really is possible to do this.  It just takes practice.  I would simply think about the way I wanted my dreams to go, and then when I slept I could often make it happen.  And, apparently, I need to brush up on this skill because I need it again.

Since I now have a blog, I thought I’d write my dream script here to help project it into my conscious and unconscious mind. It’s not as easy as it sounds--I tend to digress and scripts don’t always go as planned.  But let’s give it a shot.

BEGIN DREAM

(I walk into class.)

ME: What the hell am I doing back in school?  Do I have a test?

MRS. VAN DUSEN: Damn right you have a test.  And you haven’t studied.

ME: I do not have a test. I’m an adult.  I have a job.  I am not taking a test.

VAN DUSEN: GET IN YOUR GODDAMN SEAT BEFORE I TEST YOUR HEAD IN THE PENCIL SHARPENER YOU SNIVELING MISCREANT.

ME: Yes ma’am.

(Laura Chan, Stacey Anderson, and Kelley Kesey enter.)

LAURA, STACEY, and KELLEY: Hi Greg! Since you always gave us creepy looks in school, we wanted you be the first to know that it’s hot and we’ve decided to strip down to our underwear.

ME: Hey, that’s a good idea!  I’ll take control of this dream by imagining Mrs. Van Dusen in her underwear.

(Looks at Mrs. Van Dusen)

ME: Okay, not my best idea.

VAN DUSEN: I WILL GRIND YOUR BONES TO PASTE.

LAURA, STACEY, and KELLEY: (crooning together like a Greek chorus): Underwear!  Underwear!  Underwear!  Also, there was a miscount in the vote.  You won class president, and you were voted Most Likely to Keep all Your Hair by just about everyone, and--

(Star quarterback Gil Tourner enters and shoves me against the wall and kicks sand in my face.)

GIL: Get lost.  The girls are coming with me.

ME: Hey!  I think they were just getting to the second verse.

(Gil and the girls EXEUNT.)

VAN DUSEN: WHERE THE HELL DID ALL THAT SAND COME FROM?

ME: Aren’t you going to give him detention or something?

VAN DUSEN: AFTER I GRIND YOUR BONES TO PASTE I WILL PAINT THE WALLS WITH YOUR BLOOD.

(I shoot out DEATH RAYS and destroy her.)

ME: So much for the test.

(I take off into the air as the entire planet turns into a big foaming sea of beer and also they decide not to remake the Pink Panther movies and House Majority Leader Tom DeLay gets a tremendously painful ingrown toenail.)

-END-

Hmmm, well, that didn’t stay entirely on script.  Still, not bad for a dry run.  I believe when the time comes, I can make a few very subtle improvements.