Shopping on behalf of other people in Barnes & Noble led me where it usually does--finding a book that I actually want for myself, such as the new Lemony Snicket, and collapsing into one of the store’s comfy chairs to flip through it and laugh as infant Sunny Baudelaire meets an untrustworthy judge and exclaims “Scalia!” But several minutes later, as I was wrapped up in the story, a voice said: “Excuse me--excuse me a second please?”
I looked up. A young woman was looking at me while putting down her two bags, which contained a laptop and several textbooks including one on advanced calculus.
She said, “Could you watch these for me for a minute?”
I said, “Sure.”
She came back a few minutes later and said “Thanks.”
What I Said:
“No problem.”
What I Wish I Had Said:
“Why do people think it’s safer to ask someone to watch their stuff than it is to simply leave the things and hope for the best? Just because you exchanged a few words with me doesn’t mean I’m not a thief. I could steal your bags and like it.”
“Is it because I look like a nice guy? Let me tell you, I went on a shoplifting binge when I was four years old. I only stopped when my mother caught me smuggling a pack of lifesavers out of the supermarket. They were rolled up in my shirt like little multicolored breasts. I realized at this point I was poorly suited for a life of crime. But you don’t know any of that.”
“You know what happens when you go to Rome? People ask you to hold their baby and then they pick your pocket. They actually throw the baby at you, like a wind-up fastball. As it’s evident that you can’t even navigate the ethical perils of a California-based Barnes & Noble, I sure hope you’re not planning a trip to Rome.”
“Advanced Calculus? Why are you studying that? You’ll never earn a living that way. Let me tell you, I was an English major, and people are lining up to give me buckets of mon--okay, wait, that advice is dumb. Back to the trusting people in bookstores thing. Stop doing that.”
I would totally ask you to watch my stuff. You clearly have that trustworthy face with just a small glint of The Crazy in your eyes… perfect combo.
dude . they don’t even need to hand you a baby. they got my wallet out of a zipped, side pocket on my pants without me ever knowing a thing. wish they had tried the baby thing. at least i would have got a baby out of the deal.
Would you watch my stuff= I know what you look like. I have memorized every pleat in those tapered leg pants and could reproduce your signature brow furrow with my eyes closed. You steal my stuff, and I guarantee you, you’ll pay.
lifesavers=breasts?
greg, are you wearing tapered-leg pants these days?
Not to get all pedantic on you, but it actually is better to ask someone to watch your stuff. If you just leave it, the responsibility for watching it gets diffused among the members of the group, which is to say that it dissipates altogether. They tell you if you’re being assaulted in public to make eye contact with one person and ask for help specifically from that person. Chances are, they will come to your aid if you do so, but would likely not have if you hadn’t directly appealed to them.
I read about this in Malcom Gladwell’s book The Tipping Point./pedanticity
Yes, Meredith tells me that people are less likely to steal your stuff if you “connect” with them and ask them to guard things, which is kind of sad if that split-second of contact is enough to tip the balance in some people’s minds between good samaritan and asshole thief.
But also extremely good advice if one is in danger.
It seems we are programmed to be less aggressive to those we can see as human. I don’t know if I find that optimistic or pessimistic. Maybe both.
Hmm… if you went with a really tiny font size, you could fit all of that on a business card and surreptitiously leave it tucked inside her book. She’d find it someday, and perhaps then, learn
I like the idea Dave’oa had about the business card. Ooh! Maybe a bookmark? Because it would be educational and useful, especially in a book store.
yadda yadda yadda. meanwhile i’m fixated on the fact that you’ve gotten comfortable and are reading a book you haven’t yet paid for. which is fine. i mean, who am i to tell you what to do? except, well, did you break the spine because, dude, that’s just rude. i’ve seen people totally manhandling books in bookstores and it drives me freaking nuts.
Well, it’s my book now--so I’ll handle my spines (books or otherwise) any darn way I like.
You should have seen the feathers fly when I purchased the latest installment in the Baudelaire’s lives. See, I bought Eldest for the second child and she bought herself Inkspell by Corneila Funke.
First child, low on funds, becomes very conniving in order to read said books. The games begin: once Second falls asleep each night, First sneaks in, grabs books, reads, then returns books to former place, page marked for original reader. Second child becomes suspicious of subversive activity and feigns sleep one night to catch First in act. Second really is being selfish (and I don’t do the “share now” thing with my kids. It’s costumed communism. Sharing would be good, but unless it comes from within them, what’s the point? It just makes the children all want to drink Vodka and eat Borscht, right?), so next trip to a city big enough to have a bookstore (one that doesn’t solely cater to the local
cult“religion"), First finds The Penultimate Peril. I am forced to purchase the book because her drool causes significant environmental disturbance, and the book is a bit soppy.When we return home, First
gloatsfloats into the room of Second, looking like she is auditioning for Tandy’s modeling position on “The Price is Right.” Second becomes seriously disturbed, but has face of the little non-Commie well-honed over the years. Over the next several nights, First reads new book at night, being the night owl she is. Over the next few mornings, Second, being the early bird she is, and while First lies snoring, gains new understanding and appreciation for her sister? No. For sharing? No. For Lemony Snicket? No. For Vodka and Borscht? You bet.[scene crowded train station]
...and ACTION!
“Greg, will you hold this seemingly benign bookbag with a Bomb in it for me? Thanks, I’ll be right back!”
[evil laughter]
If I were going to pick out a random stranger to watch my stuff, it would probably be a youngish man who looked like he wasn’t going anywhere soon, deeply engrossed in a children’s book.
You could have just said, “No thank you.” OR maybe what this is all about is regret for not following up with “Only if you agree to have coffee with me.”
Er, no...she was very young.
Rae, I suppose it’s good that your kids play all those games in service of reading books--as opposed to when I was a kid and we’d play politics in order to watch the scrambled cable channels and try to glimpse nudity.
Funny I was a little obsessed with Greg reading a book he hadn’t paid for but then decided that he must have just gone on a bought it because it’s the new Lemony Snicket and who WOULDN’T buy it once you started reading it?
Oh and Rae...LOVE YOUR KIDS!
I’m still stuck at “I could steal your bags and like it.” That you drop in a throwaway line about the titillation a quick robbery might provide just opens up a whole new light on your filthy, filthy self…
...
... Seriously, though, are those Lemony Snicket books really any good?
So if we’re really going by the title of this post. My favorite is:
What I said: “Please don’t leave me.”
What I should have said: “The dog, the car, $250,000 and you keep the children.”
The thing was, you were reading a trustworthy book. If you’d been reading Abbie Hoffman, maybe she would have picked someone else. Then again, if you’d been reading CS Lewis, she’d have asked you to hold her baby, and inculcate in it the love of a benevolent savior while you’re at it.
God, this post is rife with potential awesome band names! I present to you:
The Little Multicolored Breasts (rock & pop)
The Ethical Perils (emo)
Trusting People in Bookstores (folk)
Don’t you think?
moral of the story : don’t travel with Greg
airline counter lady : have you had your bags in your possession at all times?
greg : yes
acl : and has anyone asked you to carry on or care for any of their packages?
greg : actually, yes
acl : SECURITY!!!
[16 hrs and 4 full body cavity searches later, Greg misses his flight and his friends have already posted to their blogs about their hate. complete with Flickr pictures]
I was in Paris waiting for the Metro when this little gypsy boy-- maybe three years old-- slipped and fell INTO THE METRO TRACK AREA. I of course ran over to hoist him up by his arm. Meanwhile his mother was stealing my purse.
I can’t count the number of times I’ve told my child to throw himself into the path of an oncoming train for profit, but I never thought that kind of shit happened in FRANCE.
I’m still reeling from your statement about the comfy chairs in B&N;. I’ve lived in Manhattan for 5 years, where there are no such things in B&N;. It’s all hard chairs, to discourage people from hanging out.
But your post just reminded me of my life before moving here, a life of comfy chairs in bookstores..I could cry from the memories.