First of all, it’s not personal. You seem very nice and cute, and you may grow up to be a wonderful, accomplished person, such as a teacher or an astronaut.
On the other hand, you may grow up to be an embezzler, or a serial killer, or a hooker--not the good kind who do their jobs honorably, mind you, but the kind who cut the time short while filching my wallet. The fact that you’re standing there asking me for money tends to suggest the latter. I simply don’t know whether my monetary support today will encourage you to grow up to be the next Hitler, so I’m making the morally appropriate decision to take no action whatsoever. And although using Hitler in a rhetorical discussion is usually bad form, it’s very appropriate when discussing girl scout cookies.
Second, remember when I said it’s not personal? That’s true in regards to you. It is, however, personal, in regards to your mother, who is standing behind you and beaming proudly. Why is your mother proud? You’re not doing anything. You’re not engaging in any kind of true, risky commercial enterprise. When I was your age and I was selling things for school, I went door to door in my neighborhood. Doors slammed in my face and dogs chased me. You’re standing here in my place of work, and your mother knows that the professional environment we’re in will prevent me from displaying uncivil behavior. And she’s right to extent; it’s only our location that keeps me from using a stapler on her forehead. In protest of your mother, I cannot engage in a business transaction with you.
Third, I’m forced to protest your product’s misleading marketing. On the box it says “Girl Scouts: Where Girls Grow Strong.” The photos show girls exercising and playing basketball. Which is all fine and good, but the product is Peanut Butter Patties. Am I to draw a connection between Peanut Butter Patties and healthy young girls? Let’s look the side of the box. It says “You’d be surprised what a Girl Scout Cookie can build: Strong Values. Strong Minds. Strong Bodies. Strong Community.” And yet, on the other side of the box, it lists the ingredients: “riboflavin, folic acid, partially hydrogenated vegetable oil.”
I never got around to reading Hilary Clinton’s It Takes a Village, but I bet that Chapter Three wasn’t titled “Partially Hydrogenated Vegetable Oil.” I know you’re young and these concepts are new to you, but I need to you seek out your den mother, or whatever they call your upper management, and say these words: “My moral code prohibits me from selling additional cookies until the marketing message is aligned with the product itself--even if that means we’re unable to finance our volunteer work for the senior center.”
But let’s say you succeed, and let’s say that the next time you come see me, the box shows a lot of fat, acne-ridden children sitting around and stuffing their face--with no basketball net in sight. Even then, we will not be able to come to terms: girl scout cookies taste terrible. If you want to engage me in a commercial exchange, you will need to have a product that compels me to action. You will need to show value. You will need to present a business case. This is no free pass for you. This is no hand out. I cannot be your “sugar daddy,” by way of buying your “sugar cookies.”
I hope I have made my position clear. This is no random, cruel brush off. I have given the matter thought, and I also hope I’ve shown you the path to follow so that, at some point down the line, we can come to terms. When that day comes, as long as you’ve taken my feedback into full account and incorporated it into your service model, I will be happy to reconsider your business proposition.
Now get the hell out of my cube.
Posted by Greg at 06:04 AM. Filed under:
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Yeah, But Dude..THIN MINTS!
Well if you don’t want those cookies, send ‘em my way please!
For every box you fail to buy, a puppy is killed. I hope you’re happy with yourself.
Fantastic. Nothing short of fantastic.
Wow. Never saw the selling of Girl Scout Cookies in quite that light before. Makes one think. Illuminating.
But, still. Y’know. Cookies…
Yeah, yeah, but how many boxes were you shamed into buying?
In the future, remember the excuse to get you out of such coercion: I already bought some from my neice / cousin’s kid / neighbor. It works evey time.
The new cafe cookies are really good with tea and reason enough for you to lay off the children. They are our future.
This line of thinking is all well and good, but now you’re stuck with no cookies and are going to have to steal em’ from your co-workers.
Why doesn’t anyone EVER try to sell me Girl Scout Cookies?
I don’t have a single one of these ethical qualms (minus the annoying mother one). I’ve got money to spend people!
Yeah, you’re eating them right now aren’t you?
I thought, “Brilliant, except for one, vital, over-looked point.” But I see that Tara has beat me to it. There is no counter-argument to Thin Mints. Not one.
Great Post, but you lose.
Greg: 0
Thin Mints: More Points Than You Can Possibly Imagine
And I have the physique to prove it.
Once they stopped making the chocolate chip cookies with a thin layer of
crackhoney, I stopped buying. Plus, they lied to me way back when. When I joined the GS they told me there was going to be camping and field trips. There were no fields, there were no trips, drug induced or otherwise. There was just a lot of macrame belt making. Dude, I was 10, not blind and stupid. They had me for a week and then I bailed.I’m sure we all agree the girls should be home learning to cook and keep house for their future husbands, rather than trying to sell sugar and calories to office workers.
Um so, this entry was brilliantly written and made me laugh out loud...but I just can’t say no to the samoas.
Yes, but which ones do you like more: the dark or the light?
Here’s a thought. Do not, in a fit of weakness, agree to buy 4 boxes of the Thin Mints and then join Weight Watchers the week that the cookies arrive. Do you know how many points are in those stupid cookies? Way too many.
However, Weight Watchers makes a Mint Cookie Crunch Points Bar that is only two points and is actually better than the Thin Mints. I did not believe that low calorie food could ever taste better than something so delicious as Thin Mints but there you go.
I am going to start comparing them to Hitler. Maybe I’ll be able to resist next year.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, so I guess it takes an office to raise a child’s jamboree funding. After all, what are office-mates but a captive audience upon which to demonstrate to your child the subtle art of blackmail? This can be especially successful when you are the one doing payroll.
So exactly how many hookers have filched from your wallet in order to make you so bitter towards future women?
Seriously, is that how they push the cookies where you live? With the co-worker/mother there and everything? For real? Dang, where I live, they put the order form next to the printer or copier and if you want them, you sign up for them. You got hit by some high-pressure sales, Greg. Pretty aggressive tactics. For a girl.
I was a pre-girl scout called a blue bird. We had to sell boxes of peppermint patties that were like giant Junior Mints. I sold 3 boxes and ate the rest.
...now begins the shame spiral…
The mother is beaming because she is making the daughter sell the cookies herself instead of doing her daughter’s dirty work for her. What Girl Scout cookie sales teach you is: “Go to college so that you do not wind up ever having to sell things door to door,” which is a worthwhile lesson. Also how to charm people into doing what you want, which would be more effective if her mother were not stage-handling it. Right? If beaming shy girl came to your desk and said, “My mother, Mrs. X, works here, and I asked if I could come around the office and see if anybody might appreciate the chance to order a few boxes of cookies,” you would sign up. Or you could donate the money directly to the Girl Scouts, but nearly nobody does that, which is why she is whoring cookies in your office.
Girl Scouts don’t discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation, which makes them better than the Boy Scouts. Buy some cookies, man.
I clicked on the comments aglow with the anticipation of enjoying someone with a massive case of the I-don’t-get-its reading you the riot act for dissing on the Girl Scouts. And was MASSIVELY DISAPPOINTED. Seems like only the right people read the Goose.
Nuts. I need a Tagalong.
I love the stand and block the grocery store doors tactic. Coming or going. You get assaulted either way. Bunch of Nazis.
BETTER THAN THIN MINTS????? NOTHING, NOTHING can be better than a Thin Mint.
Who is DM? And why is he or she lying to us?
Where did all these girl scout cookie lovers come from? No wonder the little bastards are so relentless--they’re being encouraged. It’s just like giving change to the street beggars. Someone’s doing it, because they just won’t go away.
That was one of the best deconstructions of a Girl Scout Cookie box I have ever read. Really. I think Derrida would have been proud. I am going to print it and pass it around to show that I actually know someone who has accomplished this.
You’re my Theory Hero, GHo.
P.S. “Peanut Butter Patties” dates you somewhere in the Union of the Snake era.
so, I can put you down for 4 boxes… right? I’m letting you off easy this way, if G gets ahold of you you’ll buy at least 10… no mom needed. I have a couple of hundred boxes in the Suburban to prove it.
Now, I was chuckling at this, but you have made an error. No matter how funny/annoying the boxes and the beaming mother can be, Girl Scout cookies taste good. There’s got to be ONE you like!
Maybe I’m biased. I was a girl scout and my sister is still one (cookies from inside the family! score!). I never had to deal with buying cookies from others. Only selling. And I promise we’re not the annoying type. More the “Hey, I’m selling Girl Scout Cookies. Want some?” type. We’re lazy to boot.
To avoid naming confusions - different counties use different names. Most counties agree on Tagalongs and Samoas and such, but clearly Greg lives in a county like mine that uses descriptive instead of creative names: Peanut Butter Patties, Caramel Delights, Lemon Pastry Creams. Boring, but easy to tell what you’re buying.
Also I’m sure that girls would have grown strong anyway, while the girl scouts and the parents beam on taking the credit.
I don’t get it. In NZ, when I was growing up, the girl scouts came around door to door selling cookies and the choice was plain or… plain! and the girl scout always looked frightened. What’s all this Thin Mints and Peanut Butter Patties business? And charming girls? We had frightened girl scouts and plain bikkies.
I’m feeling all deprived, now.
I just want to go on record as saying, the post was great, but all this pro-GSC (Girl Scout Cookie) talk in the comments is better. I just can’t believe the feelings some people have with these cookies.
Girl Scout Cookies are good? Really??? They’re better than Oreos? Better than Nutty Bars? Better than Little Debbie Marshmallow Supremes?? Come on.
Do you people even GO to grocery stores???
Girl Scout cookies are good because you can only get them once a year, see if they were made available in the store or mail order they wouldnt taste so damn good. Its just an evil conspiracy really and we have all been brainwashed.
Thin Mints Eaters Unite!
You hate Samoas--you hate America.
or maybe you like them snickerdoodles?
Dude! You need to eat a thin mint and chill.
hahahhaa
I...I...hardly know where to start.
As a former Girl Scout who did grow up to be an embezzler and a hooker, I am seriously offended by your cruel and demeaning comments. Exactly what do you have against embezzlers and hookers anyway?
Secondly, what planet did you come from because fer real, them Thin Mints are de-lish-uz.
Down here, they’re called Guide Biscuits for “Girl Guides” and they only have two flavors, regular shortbread and chocolate covered shortbread. Oh wait, I can’t forget the mini-version. Ooops!
Please send Thin Mints, ASAP. I promise not to tell any Den Mothers and I’m reasonably sure that the small decrease in profit won’t affect the embezzlers and hookers on either side of the Pacific. Still plenty of street corners left.
i am laughing out loud at this post - nicely done - and yet laughing guiltily because no matter what else happens in life, i do love me some thin mints. and oh yeah, samoans. even though it usually takes a village to get me out my own door once the boxes arrive.
Here’s the line I always use - it magically popped into my head a few years ago when the girl scouts came to my door: “Sorry, I’m on a diet”. Works like a charm! Since every woman in the country seems to dream of being a size zero, no one has ever questioned it. Word of advice though - don’t use it when a kid tries to sell you magazines… that doesn’t work for some reason.
I’m printing this out and shoving it in the face of the next mother who peddles her daughter through my office.
But “C” is for cookie. What, not good enough for you?
am curious… do you hold the same disdain for the popcorn drive of the boy scouts?
come on! chocolate covered carmel corn most definitely has a strong connection to growing our future leaders. or at least maybe our future politicians.
but the thin mints greg! thin mints!
There’s two sorts of people in this world. People who eat Girl Scout Cookies, and fucking liars. I’ve yet to meet the person who can resist the Samoa. (And they ARE better than Oreos. Even Double Stuft.) People from NZ who are upset about missing out on the Girl Scout Cookies—don’t be. You have Tim Tams. My God, nothing is better than a Tim Tam.
http://www.nataliedee.com/032006/disgruntled-girlscout.jpg
I had to share this link- it is a comic of a disgruntled girl scout- as I coincidentally read this post and saw this picture in the same hour.
Girl scouts have it tough on the internet, and I approve (although I’ll have some of those thin mints, thanks).
You know what’s better than thin mints?
Thin Mints straight from the freezer!
Even if they’re covered in chocolate? THEN they’re delicious smothered with ice cream.
Promise.
I can’t believe all this negative talk about Girl Scouts. I have been a Troop Leader (yea, that’s what they are called NOT den mother!) for 5 years now and my daughter is a girl scout. We have had a blast going camping, traveling, learning math, science, and art, and learning to be a better citizen (something this world needs!) So sit in your little cubicle feeling resentful over girl scout cookies while my girl scouts soar to greater heights than you will ever reach over your 5 foot cubicle!
You’re the guy who wouldn’t buy my girl scout cookies. Shame on you! Shame, Shame, Shame!
Okay- I am entering my 7th year as a G.S. leader
and I have to say I do not love selling cookies.
It is a lot of work and very time consuming. But, the end results are very fulfilling and I am
not refering to the case of cookies my family consumed during the selling season. My girls
have learned safety, manners, charity, money exchange, budgeting, marketing, and HOW TO ACCEPT REJECTION! Now are these not some of the
the things that we need in life.
Patrica-Chocolate Chips are back this season and you have to be a scout longer than a week to go
camping, and on field trips. Have not done any
macrame with the girls yet, I think we will try it this year.
Cloudy-Bluebirds are a divison of the Campfire Girls. Totally different organization, look it up!
This is the most prolific, amazing thing I’ve ever read. You ... are right on target. I tried so boldly to capture this with my girl scout oriented art (girl scouts going through a kiddie grinder, coming out cookies… and girl scouts goose-stepping with their cookies in arms military style!) but no one got it.
Okay let me say: I’ve been w/scouting 19years, I lead a troop of Boy & Girl scouts. (separately)
I agree on a certain level. Once Scouts get to the age I have them now (16) NO ONE WANTS TO BUY COOKIES FROM THEM!!!!
Not to mention, we, as scouts, don’t get a lot of MONEY from the cookies as a troop. More of it goes to council’s and national.
So if you like the cookies, please keep buying them. It does teach the younger girls about hard work and the value of a $. Not to mention it funds a great place to get rid of your kids for the summer. (GS Camp!)
BUT if you want to fund your local troop, give them a donation.
It’s a little known fact that giving to the Girl Scouts is a FEDERAL TAX RIGHT OFF.
Let me say that again.
GIVING MONEY TO GIRL SCOUTS IS A FEDERAL TAX RIGHT OFF~!!!!!
But again, if you like the cookies, Thin Mints go great with a Grasshopper. (If you don’t know what that is, get the self to a bar.)
i love girl scout cookies soo much that i WANNA BANG THEMMM!