When did it first happen? I think it happened moments after strolling into my first high school dance. I was 14 years old.
Red and blue lights streamed across the crowd. Beats were dropping. Bodies were rocking. Everyone shook it. Everyone shaked it.
And suddenly, without warning, I chomped down on my lower lip. And I began to groove.
I didn’t know I was doing this. But as near as I can tell, I did it whenever I heard music for two years. Then, around my junior year, my date said, “Why are you dancing like that?”
I said, “What do you mean?”
She said, “You have white man’s overbite. You look ridiculous.”
“Huh?”
She said, “You’re biting your lip while you dance. It’s called ‘white man’s overbite.’ You think you’re in tune with the music, but you’re just biting your lip like you’re in pain or something.”
I thought about it. I concentrated on my face. And I realized: she was right. I was biting down on my lip.
“Okay,” I said. “I can deal with this. I can unbite my lip.”
“I don’t know,” she replied. “I think you’ve been doing it a long time. You may not be able to stop.”
“Of course I can stop.”
And I tried. I felt the music pulsing inside of me, moving around in my head and heart and soul like a restless animal--encouraging my face to tighten up. But I concentrated. I looked at the girl. She had soft brown eyes. A gentle, curving jaw. A low-cut dress. My face relaxed. I smiled.
I had beaten it!
She said, “But now you’re just staring at me and grinning like a drunk uncle. You’re not even dancing.”
Okay, I thought, I’ll just add a few steps back into it--
And suddenly I was chomping down hard again. As soon as I began to move, it was like my face was sliding off my skull and my instinct was to fasten it in place using every tooth at my disposal.
So it was too late for me.
You know how your mother told you “Don’t make that face because it’ll stay like that?” You may have laughed at her. But in regards to white man’s overbite, it’s actually true. Once you succumb to it, it becomes hardwired into your system.
Therefore, I want to take this opportunity to reach out to my younger readers. There are those of you in your 20s, even in your teens. It may not be too late for you. You can prevent this from happening. Remember: it’s only music. When you first hear it, you may want to be consumed by it. You may feel it trying to get inside of you. But fight back! You control the music. The music doesn’t control you
And whatever you do, don’t bite down.
Because what can happen won’t be pretty. Nowadays? When there’s nothing to lose and there’s nothing to prove I’ll be dancing with myself. And also because I scare people. They point at me and say “Look! His face is contorted in a hideous Hannibal Lector-type mask!” And someone else says “Shhhh! If we’re lucky he really will lay down and boogie and play that funky music ‘til he dies. Like, keel over. In the next five minutes or so.”
I once danced with a guy who clapped and laughed while dancing. When I told him to stop because it was making me nervous, he was paralyzed. But really, what IS the WMOB about?
How bout the White Boy Swivel? The feet stay planted and you do a sort of painful looking upper body contortion.... My fiance does this. It creeps me out.
The cure for white man’s overbite is to sing along to the music. Dorky yes, but I think it’s an improvement.
Jess, whatever you do, don’t let Greg sing. At the very least, try to be approximately 1000 yards away from Greg should he begin to sing. Your very life depends on this.
the thing is, now that you’ve said this, i can very, very vividly picture you doing the overbite thing, greg.
it’s very vivid in my brain.
kate, just to be clear - when you imagine greg doing this lip bite thing, he’s biting his own lip while dancing, right? I still think it’s an improvement over running around biting other peoples’ lips during the flag assembly. I call that one the “uberbite.”
And this is exactly what I pictured:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/england/radiowiltshire/images/features/raindance/rain_dance.jpg
You know that guy who sits sullenly in the corner, nursing a drink, and never gets on the dance floor? That’s me, avoiding a faux pas of Greg-proportions.
I bet it’s similar to the Michael Jordan tongue stick. Thank god you don’t have that disorder.
I (a Native American-Chicano) recently experienced my first bout of WGOB. I have begun teaching myself drums...that’s right, you guessed it. My drummer-face slipped into WGOB during a particularly intense set of changes. The joke around here is that your drummer-face is the same as your sex-face. Am I getting close? Greg, is WGOB also yr sex-face? I’m drumming, I’m drumming!
I think I’d rather be stuck with the WMOB then the Engineer two-step (face looking at feet, hands firmly in pockets, one-step...two step). The ETS is harder to overcome.
i honestly don’t think i’ve ever seen the WMOB in action. you know, actual action (though the photo link above did help with the visualization, and i think there was a SNL skit about it at some point). now, the ETS ... we used to teach that one to the marginal kids at camp, so they wouldn’t be left out of the dances. i spent two summers as an official certified ETS coach.
thank you Greg, I have been trying to find out what the hell the WMOB was since seeing ‘When Harry met Sally’ years ago!! My work here is done!!!!!
See, I have discovered your problem. You think that, “You control the music. The music doesn’t control you.” However, the point of dancing is to let the music control you.
Take this from someone who has bitten his lip nearly completely off.
heh.
hehhehehhh.
oh man.
do you do the “Serious Eyebrows” when you do the “Funky Whitey”?
you know the one - a lone man, shaking it like it aint even his, and then the eyebrows *BAM* all wrinkled and such as he CONCENTRATES on getting his shake on.
this is why i love men. they are their own cartoon.
I think the WMOB is cute. endearing, even. My boyfriend does it, and I can tease him about it, but it’s just so cute, because he can’t NOT do it.
He also does an excellent sprinkler.
hehhh.
mine does “the monster” which basically is him walking around a room with his arms in front of him flailing up and down all, Frankenstylee. yeah, he’s a fool but he’s MY fool.
Blame it on the boogie…
All I can say is ‘thank you’. This blog and all the comments has given me a much needed case of the screamin’ mimi’s this afternoon.
It’s fantastic.
And yes, I am known to have the WGOB.