I’m not surprised that the Toys ‘R Us near me recently closed its doors. It was the kind of store that you could walk around in and sense impending death. The ground was sticky; the fluorescent lights were pale and tired. Customer service had already died--the only way you could talk to a store representative was to buy a Ouija board and conjure someone up. And even that wouldn’t always work. “CAN YOU HELP ME FIND THE STUFFED ANIMALS?”........."NO."
The store layout had long since been neglected and forgotten. Instead of a smooth segue between age and genders, you walked down one aisle full of Barbies and then confronted an army of toy tanks and then found yourself back with Barbies. I had seen stores like this before--all of the K-Marts were like this before the chain went bankrupt. “Never buy a TV from here,” a K-Mart clerk told me once while pointing at the rows of Sharp televisions, although I hadn’t said anything about buying a TV and had no intention of doing so. He nodded at me conspiratorially and then went back behind the counter, presumably to finish filling out an application to work at Target--which, back in those days, was to K-Mart what a young, beautiful girl was to Karl Rove.
Anyway, the point is that this year I’m buying a birthday present for my niece online. I’ve been pouring through the Amazon/Toys ‘R Us site, and my only real guideline is to avoid the toys and games that overtly pander to gender or prematurely encourage consumerism: i.e., “‘Lil Princess Makeup Kit” or “My First Purse!” Once, at the Toys ‘R Us store, I saw a McDonald’s play cart complete with fake food and an apron. Who the hell gives that to their kids? Although I guess it’s a nice way of getting the whole “We’re not paying for your college education” conversation out of the way really early.
I don’t know why I bother worrying about the gender/consumerism thing. At age two, Cameron loves playing with a broken cell phone and an inactive credit card that her parents gave her. I’m surprised her first words weren’t “Why yes, I would like overdraft protection.”
In order to help guide me online, I find myself reading the customer reviews closely. I’ve never paid attention to the reviews before--when it comes to books and movies and CDs, I usually know what I want. But parents know far more than I do about these things. Or so I thought. I suddenly realized I was wading through review after review that sounded more like the child than the parent:
“OMG...we’ve STACKED UP THE BLOCKS all over the house! It’s so much fun! We make SHAPES like you wouldn’t BELIEVE!”
“LOL! ROFLMAO! The Wiggles guitar plays ALL our favorite Wiggles songs! We can’t get enough of it! I can’t do my housework, because I’m playing WIGGLES SONGS! And little Bernie loves it too--when I let him have it!!!!!”
I wondered if I was being judgmental, and not realizing what happens to parents who are alone with their kids all day--of course they probably get into this stuff. But then I kept reading:
“Hello, this is Bernard--please do not address me as ‘Bernie’ as mother does. I would like to apologize for her somewhat overly enthusiastic reviewing style; she had far too much caffeine and too little sleep, the latter of which I do take some responsibility for as I detest naptime. Oh, and as for the instrument, it’s a pleasant diversion, I suppose, although I prefer to let mother entertain herself with it while I teach myself A Fire Inside and Yeah Yeah Yeahs songs on my two-toned Sunburst Stratocaster.”
I dont know if your niece is from your brother or sister however if you love either there will not be a Barney, Elmo or Wiggles anything unless you are trying to drive them insane. Go for the Barbie Videos as most parents can stomach them or Baby Einstien depending on the age of the child.
My kindergartener’s teacher told me that while coloring in her journal K was singing “The world was movin’ she was right there with it and she was...” I was just relieved it wasn’t the few lines later about taking off her dress and stuff. Letting your young kids listen to good music could land your ass in the principal’s office. The extent of our kids music collection is from They Might Be Giants “Here Come the ABC’s.”
I totally heard that last paragraph in Stewie’s voice.
I highly recommend a cash register playset if she doesn’t have one, given her love of the credit card. One with a beeping scanner will probably make her delirious with glee, but remember to lock your doors at night because her parents may try to kill you.
Ditto with the Stewie comment.
C’mon, just go for the Wiggles video and sign up for several years of having to dress up as Captain Feathersword whenever you visit. I reckin you’d look good with an eyepatch.
reckOn. reckOn. Sorry, getting a little excited over here. It’s been a while since my last comment.
She’s probably getting to the age where she would love to get a really big box. A box she can climb in and out of? It doesn’t get better than that.
I don’t think the reviews are written by real consumers anyway. I think the companies go out and write their own reviews, spelling mistakes and all. And sometimes they’ll throw in something negative to keep us from discovering them, but the negative thing is usually nothing of significance. A drum set would be a really nice gender-neutral gift for your niece.
At least your niece will play with a broken cell phone and credit card. My five year old son will only play with poker chips and leftover chess pieces. Those and his 67 “babies” who all call me “grandma.” In public. And I answer.
Oh I do have a suggestion, good for a 2 year old...anything made by Melissa & Doug. They make really good wood products and the kids seem to really appreciate that they are well made (as do the parents!) I have bought the cutting food as gifts lots of times and it gets lots of good reviews. Also in the daycare, I see the kids playing with this stuff all the time. Here’s a link, but they sell them lots of places. http://www.oliebollen.com/detail.aspx?ID=4145&cc=go
Greg,
I don’t know if you already knew this, but down here in the HellMouth, you can actually do that (the Ouija board reference)… Check this out:
http://www.ghosts.org/toysinfo.html
Could be an urban legend, but being it was Sunnyvale / Sunnydale, I thought it was a trip when I read your blog this morning.
Rube
Sunnydale really IS the Hellmouth! Or at least has just as bad customer service as Emeryville.
I’m sure you’ll do fine as long as you stay away from the slut in training toys (Bratz dolls).
Do you still want suggestions or are you done? If not, my 2 year old (boy) digs all things cooking related. Favorite EVER (see, we’re all like that) is a little talking microwave and it’s really not that loud or annoying.
Also, amen on the Bratz stuff. If you see anything in her vinicinity that’s Bratz branded, burn it.
she plays with a broken cell phone and an inactive credit card?
this girl is destined for high finance. excellent.
doesn’t fisher price make a weebles family wall street set or something?
(do they actually still make weebles?)
Liz, I settled for the toy guitar so I can take credit for her becoming a rock star--although I really like Diane’s link and will remember it.
Isn’t she old enough for an iPod? ISN’T EVERYONE!??!? It’ll be law before she’s five.
I would like to point out that McDonalds is in a lot of hospitals along with Ronald McDonald houses. Sometimes it’s the only way we parents of sick children can eat (strangly, hospital cafeterias only serve food during the day when it’s pretty likely your scared, sick child will be awake) or live near the hospital.
So crappy as they food is, at least they help in some ways.
I have a personal commitment to get this for any offspring I can.
Re: and Tango makes Three, see the following:
http://www.jrn.columbia.edu/studentwork/cns/2002-06-10/591.asp
Well, I see you already got the guitar, but I was going to suggest that the perfect gift for a 2 year old girl is a doll-sized baby carriage. For future reference, I recommend dress-up stuff, the sparklier the better, little purses, coloring books and crayons, and kids stories on tape for the car. After the age of 5 though, it’s all about Barbie. Here’s a time saving site:
http://www.elearningtoys.com/
been watching a lot of Family Guy on the TiVo?
Remember how Stewie asked for plutonium for Christmas? Plutonium strikes me as pretty gender-neutral. (And if it’s near your balls enough, you’ll probably be gender-neutral, too!)
Greg - Can I be you when I grow up? You made my morning with this one. Cheers!
I can’t believe your niece is TWO. I remember when you were excited about her being born.
this post made sarah b. all a flush i just bet.
Greg, I’m sure you hear this all the time: You are HI-larious.
I am guaranteed nothing short of a giggle, often an outright laugh, sometimes even a snort when I visit. Please keep up the good work.
Your charm and humor are making women you never met moisten their panties. Well done!