Like most intellectually lazy overeducated liberals in the Bay Area, I listen to a lot of National Public Radio. And one NPR program I like is a segment called “This I Believe.” This spot always features some earnest, well-meaning guest speaker going on about some NPR-ish topic like finding peace within ourselves and why people should appreciate whales.
No one ever asks me to guest host this program, although they should, so here is my own take at “This I Believe.” I’m sure my pearls of wisdom will create such a ripple effect across our social fabric that eventually I’ll be guest hosting “Fresh Air,” cracking wise on “Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me,” and also guest starring on Lost, which has nothing to do with NPR but it would be kind of cool. So anyway, here my “This I Believe”:
Cheap wine tastes better if you pour it into one of those big honkin’ glasses that look all impressive and expensive.
Hybrid cars shouldn’t be allowed in the carpool lane until the drivers get those self-satisfied smirks off their faces.
The more ridiculous a paint color is ("Twilight Fuchsia"), the worse it will look on your wall.
Asking my opinion about the Superbowl is about as productive as having a family counseling session with Lizzy Borden.
Bulk cereal in those big plastic bags is a good buy, except that if you tear where it says “Tear Here” the bag always breaks open and spills on to the floor, thus mitigating some of the economic savings.
The way Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears have handled their 20something careers proves that I really underappreciated Madonna when she was starting out.
Although I still hate most of Madonna’s songs. “Into the Groove” is okay.
Although I’m glad no one ever said “Get into the groove boy, you’ve got to prove your love to me,” because the only thing I can prove with my dancing is that I’ve got all the rhythm of an epileptic elephant.
People who describe themselves as complicated or multi-faceted are invariably very simple.
Good and evil may be difficult to quantify, but anyone who texts votes to American Idol is morally bankrupt.
Excellent! Now let the offers roll in.
You’re like andy rooney and erma bombeck all rolled up into one big ball of why.
I was stuck behind a hybrid car yesterday whose tags read ‘KNSRVE’. Seriously, I’m so not about the road rage, but I really wanted to at least give the silly car a bump into the nearest ditch. But whatever.
I would love to see you dance.
With mentions of madonna, lindsay and britney i’m assuming you’re telling us it’s time for Run Geese Run Part II. non?
Oh, I do love a good Lizzie Borden joke.
You’re HIRED!
Your bar is much higher than mine. I only listen to NPR when I’m being intellectually responsible about the whales. Most of the time I just read People.
I liked your point about Madonna’s early days. I could never have envisioned the fame that ‘Web 2.0’ had in store for me when I was walking around in 1984 trying to make people care that she was dating Jellybean Benitez.
Is that the guy who did “Sidewalk Talk”? That song ruled.
Just to kill two of your birds with one stone:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=IMB6O1HAqec
In my heart, I text vote for that guy every day.
What about “Borderline?”
What about this: Whenever someone starts a sentence with, “I love him/her to death,” it’s always followed by “BUT...” and then something totally mean about him/her.
My literature professor made us submit an essay to the ‘I Believe’ program last semester. For some reason my essay ‘I Believe that I am so Getting an A in this Class’ didn’t get picked to be aired.
Everytime I hear “I Believe” I think of the Steve Martin routine that goes:
“People who describe themselves as complicated or multi-faceted are invariably very simple.”
Or just extremely high-maintenance.
No offense, but I cringe whenever that segment comes on npr. I guess I’m more Andy Rooneyish than I should be.
Good ones. I agree with your comment on Madonna’s relatively mellow 20s, although clearly the parapzzi--and mainstream press--were a bit less aggressive in reporting everything back in those days!
-- david