I knew it would be a change to go from a large company, where I oversaw a team of six, to a startup with an annual operating budget that’s only slightly higher than the average budget for a junior high presentation of My Fair Lady. But it really has been a learning experience. By the end of my long tenure at my last company, I was ordering my employees to go out and get haircuts on my behalf. Now? I have to do everything myself.
ME: We’re launching our new site in two weeks! We need to record videos of our high-tech widget!
THEY: Great. What’s your plan?
ME: I know several vendors who can do the job!
THEY: Do they work for free?
ME: ....no.
(THEY drop a video recording and editing software package on my desk.)
THEY: Congratulations, Spielberg.
(LATER)
ME: The videos are done! Now we need voice talent to record the audio tracks!
THEY: Great. What’s your plan?
ME: I’ll hire Kate Beckinsale! She has the sultry, sensuous style that’s needed to truly differentiate our high-tech widget in the marketplace.
THEY: And how much does Kate Beckinsale cost?
ME: I think I can negotiate her down to two mil. Actually, I hear she’ll do it for one mil if you don’t force her to wear her leather jumpsuit from the Underworld movies during the recording.
THEY: Given that our budget for voice talent is zero, we advise you to start doing diaphragm exercises.
ME: Me? Do the voice work? I’m not a professional voice artist.
THEY: Just do your normal speaking voice.
ME: But my normal speaking voice is a falsetto that intermittently breaks out into the chorus of “No You Girls” by Franz Ferdinand.
THEY: Perfect! Just be sure to enunciate.
This is going to take some getting used to.
I totally know what you mean. I used to work at a place where I could order a dozen $5 pens every week and not have anyone blink. Then I went to a place where you got assigned one pen and you had to chain it to your desk. Total culture shock for sure! :D
Will you have to sign up with SAG?
No You Girls is a great song. I’m pretty sure I’d buy any kind of ...whatsit? widget? what are you selling? Does it involve Alex Kapranos? Ok, I’m in.
Alex Kapranos doesn’t need my help--he sells himself. But Cousin Anne, isn’t that a little poppy for your punk-rawk tastes? Are you mellowing out??
Don’t forget I also love Johnny Cash. (Yes, since _before_ the biopic.) Column A: Punk. Column B: bad boyz with deep voices. When the two merge - O! The Heavens part!
(And when the Heavens part, it’s usually by way of a television set through a hotel room window, of course.)
Don’t feel too badly… the budgets within Big Corporate are pretty dismal too. They ain’t what they used to be, anyway.
I have a trans-Atlantic trip coming up. I think they are putting me in the stowage section of a chicken-freighter. It’ll save a lot of money - not only on the travel fare, but the meals too. Good thing I like chicken.
Big Companies vs Little Ones…
In the Big Ones, you get pigeon-holed, and can only do things listed on your 3x5 index card.
In the Little Ones, the things listed are a lot more generic and encompassing. But you get a ton more experience.
As I look for a new job, that is one of the aspects I will be looking at, but it is a secondary aspect.
The four most fearsome words in any job description, “other duties as assigned”.
Tee hee. Good luck! Sounds like good blog material fodder, at the very least!
Diaphragm exercises. Well, that could come in handy for something, right? Oh, I might have my nouns confused…
I’ll be your voice talent, some fab addition to the resume. But warn you I was recently told I sound like a 12 year old girl on the phone. Yeah, I wasn’t sure how to take that.
Since posting this, I have had about 6 offers from people wanting to do the voice work. For some reason, this is considered a desirable job. However, too late--the vids are live with my own drawling, grating tones: http://tinyurl.com/yk6jq85