I had to buy some new closet doors this weekend. So off I went to Home Depot.
“I like that one,” I said, motioning towards one of closet door models they had on display.
“Okay,” the guy said. “Do you have the measurements for the closet space?”
“Sure,” I said, “But you know, maybe I like this one over here better--” and I took a step.
“DON’T DO THAT!”
“Huh?”
“You can’t walk over there.”
“Why not?”
The guy grimaced. He appeard to be struggling with an inner conflict. Then he said, “That closet door model is located in a red terror zone. Although the United States recently lowered its terror alert to yellow, you may have heard Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge say that unspecified parts of the country would be asked to remain on a heightened state of alert to guard against possible terror attacks. “
“So the terror alert is mostly yellow, but in some undisclosed places it’s still red.”
“Right.”
“And one of those places is inside this Home Depot.”
“Well, parts of it. I can’t tell you exactly where, of course. Unless you go into one of the red areas. It’s a strictly need-to-know thing.”
I sighed. “Okay, look, what if I bought this model over here--”
“DON’T TOUCH IT!”
I jumped back. He eyed me warily.
“You seem to have an uncanny knack for knowing where the red areas are. What’s your position on, like, being evil and overturning democracy?”
I threw up my hands. “Look, forget it. I’ll take the first model I looked at. You know, the one that’s in the yellow area.”
“Fine.”
“And now I’m going to buy a cup coffee.” I took a step--
“DON’T STEP THERE!”
I snapped, “What, this piece of the floor is located in a red area too?”
“No, but I saw someone spit on it an hour ago.”
it says something about the state of the world that i can’t tell how much of this post is a joke.
(and don’t worry, i’m not going to re-link to ashcroft’s vocal performance again.)
So what is your position on being evil and overturning democracy? I noticed that you quite cleverly skirted that issue. I’m watching you, you shroom-loving dolphin-hugger.
hahahahaha!
that’s all i’ve got.
i am paralyzed with fear to move from the confines of my cubicle. what if i wandered into an unmarked red zone! *gasp*
You know Home Depot is too damn big when…
...it stretches across multiple zip codes and/or area codes and/or terror alert areas.
ok, this is out of control… what’s next? Terror Alerts at the Strip Clubs?
“Welcome to Jiggles! Please note that Veronica’s boobies are in an orange zone, and her ass is in a yellow zone, but as always, her hootchie coo is in a red zone - so keep out! There is a 2 drink minimum tonight and each drink served has a .023% chance of containing Anthrax”
i’m sorry, i don’t speak irony. c’mon, tell me what you’re really saying.
I’m trying not to wake up my friend here in the same room but I’m laughing too hard.
after a few days mulling this over, I find myself asking the question no one realized was unanswered: You were buying a closet door? What did you do to your old one, you old scalawag you? How often are you replacing that door these days? Don’t you see this as a warning sign - a cry for help - an orange alert of the heart? You need help. There’s a counter at the bottom of aisle 12 where you can take a number.
Dan totally stole my line.