In his Monday speech aimed at reassuring a domestic audience that has grown uncomfortable over his handling of Iraq, President Bush vowed to transfer “full sovereignty” to an Iraqi provisional government on June 30th. At the same time, he promised to maintain 138,000 U.S. troops in Iraq “under American command.” The dual commitments have left observers increasingly skeptical of the impending power transfer to Iraq; many believe that the U.S. will continue to remain in the country, for all intents and purposes, as an occupying force.
However, the administration has released new documents detailing the specifics of the power transfer, hoping to allay these concerns. According to the documents, the transfer will give the new Iraq government significant roles, responsibilities, and privileges, including:
Having full authority over the TV remote.
Obtaining a 30-day grace period for peer-to-peer file sharing without being sued by the RIAA.
Complete control over the Iraq militia, although live firearms will be replaced with up-to-date “Lazer Tag” beam guns and chest plates.
The ability to put on the cheeriest, frilliest Maypole in the entire Middle East.
A special screening of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, attended by the stars--minus Emma Watson, because she’s disturbingly young-yet-grown-up and she makes some of the more radical clerics, such as Muqtada Al-Sadr, feel a little funny.
Choosing whether to ship oil to the United States in the standard gray or black barrels or have them painted with festive red, white, and blue stripes.
Having votes count twice in American Idol phone-in competitions.
The ability to kow-tow in full, official government regalia.
Assistance with marketing high-value consumer products to Iraqi citizens such as the baseball cap with the attached beer cans.
Complete discretion over where to bury all the bodies.
God bless America.
I wonder when we’re going to end our military occupation of Germany. Bring our troops home! Sixty years of imperialist occupation must end!
I wish I had a witty add in here, but anything I say would just pale in comparison to your wit and charm. I am not even being sarcastic. Hard to believe, but true.
and Emma Watson makes ME feel kinda’ funny.
maypoles, harry potter, and american idol ... and i’m a princess?
yep, with you on the emma watson thing (and on the subject, or sort of, there’s an interesting article in the april [might be may, actually] issue of esquire, about movie reviewers who do not talk about the sexiness of young-yet-grown-up stars. he doesn’t mention emma watson but several others, including hillary duff; anyway, it’s a good read, quite thought-provoking).
and i want to see that maypole. that’s what the middle east really needs. more ... frilliness.
god bless america indeed.
Historically, and presumably due to evolution’s pressures, women have been considered most marriageable between 14 (sometimes 13) and 18. For a modern man to admit attraction to a 14 year old, a totally NORMAL response, is asking to be regarded as a criminal.
I think this would all be cleared up if someone explained to President Bush that “sovreignty” doesn’t mean “compelled to grip one’s ankles while being plowed by a howitzer.” A president who can’t handle a 10-speed shouldn’t be in charge of helicopter gunships.
Ooh, sorry Greg, Bryan has a point there.
I think one could write a dissertation on how, apart from military tactics, the U.S. uses psychology and propaganda to emasculate its foes. The prisoner pictures made that strategy more obvious and literal, but it’s always been there.
One could also write a dissertation about people who get riled up about “princess” remarks and what that means for the little tea party set and table they keep tucked away in their closet…
i am about to let my eagles soar right up your ass. in a totally platonic way, of course.
At first I thought you were talking about Emily Watson, and I was like “dude, she’s like in her mid-thirties”. Anyway, I also heard we’re giving them full production control over the forthcoming “Sunni Eye for the Shiite Guy”.
Bryan, why don’t you just admit that you love that song. You hated it at first but it creeped up on you and now you listen to it on repeat. Just like I do with “Sunrise” by Simply Red--not that I would ever admit that on a public web site.
okay, first of all, my friends will tell you that i have a great sense of humor about most things, but i do get a little uncomfortable when i read “humor” like this:
“Having votes count twice in American Idol phone-in competitions.”
i mean, it just seems to me that if we start off by telling the people of iraq that some votes count more than others, even if it’s in their favor, it sets a really dangerous precedent. they might come to see us as unreliable or even unfair. i’d just hate for that to happen, and i don’t think it’s anything to talk about lightly.
When W discusses full sovereignty, I have to laugh. I suppose he would hold up Federal/Indian Tribal relations as an example of US experience in this area? Nothing screws up an election or democratic process like good ole’ ‘US Technical Support’.
Regards,
Vice-President-In-Exile Dirty Dan
The bodies. Digging those up might be my friend’s job soon. Hopefully not. It’s what she does.
Anyway, I’m all about control of the TV remote.