Some conservatives are claiming that the hit documentary March of the Penguins epitomizes their values, and that the actions of the penguins affirm traditional norms like monogamy, sacrifice and child-rearing.
Conservatives believe that the movie epitomizes other values as well:
The War in Iraq. “Those penguins struggled through ice and snow and they didn’t even have any armor,” claimed White House spokesperson Scott McClellan. “Clearly the reports about our boys in the middle east not having enough armor are greatly exaggerated.”
School vouchers. Even though the penguins’ struggle across the arctic wilderness represents a bold, heroic struggle, wouldn’t it be nice if the younger penguins could get some assistance for private school so they wouldn’t have to go through all that?
Intelligent design. “Look!” say leading conservative scientists. “I mean...penguins. That totally proves intelligent design! Just look at them! Duh!”
Gay sex. Conservative commentators point out that penguins cannot have gay sex because they do not have proper buttocks; therefore, they are all heterosexual and thus anointed by God.
However, leading liberal critics have claimed the movie for themselves as well:
Social security. The fact that penguins don’t save for retirement proves that we require a social safety net to protect the underprivileged in their old age.
Global warming. The penguins wouldn’t have to march so hard if so much of the ice hadn’t melted due to SUVs and people not recycling.
School vouchers. All that marching wouldn’t be necessary if all penguins had a good education from a good public school, and you won’t get that with a voucher program that diverts resources from the public sector.
Gay sex. Penguins don’t appear to have genitalia, proving that the categories of “man” and “woman” are simply socially constructed categories and we all can live in a utopia free of the oppressive restrictions of race, gender, or class.
And what do the penguins have to say about their role in the controversy? One of the actors from the movie recently went on record with his thoughts:
“Here’s a thought: Shut the hell up. We’re penguins. Get it? Not humans. We don’t wear tuxedos, we’re not cute and cuddly, and we sure as hell don’t represent your dumbass politics or moral beliefs. Perhaps you’ve heard of ‘anthromorphizing,’ in which humans project their own traits upon animals? Well, here’s what happens when we practice ‘penguiphizing,’ in which we project our own traits upon humans: we see a bunch of do-nothing slobs who sit around flapping their yaps and avoiding the actual business of life and survival.
Now if you’ll pardon me, I’ve got some marching to do.”
HA! I haven’t laughed this hard in a while!
Thanks for the much needed laugh.
Anne
Haha, you’ve outdone yourself here. This was brilliantly entertaining for a morning read while I dine on my breakfast of M&Ms;.
i like how the conservatives have conveniently ignored the fact that the emperor penguins do it with a different emperor penguin every year, and we all know that the only thing more sexually dysfunctional than a player is a serial monogomist.
they also convienently forgot about these guys.
aw, i think they’re cute and cuddly. aw, i want some M&Ms;. aw, i wish i could have a new partner every eight months without fear of STDs, repercussions, or guilt. aw, i wish i was like greg and the penguins talked to me, too.
okay. i’m done whinging. i’ve got to get back to the business of actual life and survival now.
I am totally going to start a band named Proper Buttocks, now.
haha, you’ve really hit on something here....Proper Buttocks!
Now you’ve done it. I am adding a print out of this post to my official Geese Aplenty, candlelit shrine.
come on, greg...i think the penguin would know that it’s “anthropomorphizing”
Great post but the best part for me is the title. Penguin Dreams and Stranger Things - one of my all time favourite Bloom County books. I hope this means you are an Opus/Bill the Cat fan too.
y, don’t be so sure...Penguins are notoriously lousy spellers. As are people who type big words after long days without bothering to spell check posts.
And yes, my other title for the post was “Magnum Opus.”
Conservatives citing this movie as evidence of the inherent nature of heterosexuality should sit on a rock with these guys. Meanwhile, I see million $ baby as a much more fitting parable about conservative values. You can taunt and punch that learning-disabled fool for as long as you’d like, and once he feels better he’ll just come back for more. Just like poor folk! Plus, you get to kill the one you love in the end. If that’s not conservatism, I don’t know what is.
However, penguins do embody an important tenet of conservatism, in that, for them, everything is simply black or white. none of that liberal pink flamingo crap for them.
I thought you were joking about the conservatives using this movie. So basically they’re promoting a new wife and child every year? Hmmm.
Hahahhahaha! Oh man, this was all too true.
lmao. i’m sorry, but that’s all i can add through the tears of laughter.
Very funny. I do enjoy the Proper Buttocks and also Penguin Dreams and Stranger Things title has made me want to scour through the boxes of books to find all of my Bloom County books.
If only we were as smart and insightful as the penguins were… *sigh*
DM - You’d have to scour boxes to find your Bloom county books. Mine are still top shelf, front and centre. Especially my hard cover, full colour edition of A Wish for Wings that Work.
Greg - Magnum Opus, good one. Marry me.
I don’t anthropomorphize, but my dog (the smart one) told me that she heard through the dog grapevine that Dick Cheney and Karl Rove have hooded-robe ceremonies in which they drink the blood of infants as a paen to their Dark Master, and then they totally make out. They used to invite Rumsfeld, but he was too awkward in a threesome situation. Barney has seen it.
RIGHT ON!!! LOL. Thanks for sharing. What a great post!
did you hear about the penguin
<a href="http://127.0.0.1:4664/redir?url=http://www.calacademy.org/calwild/2004spring/stories/materialgirls.html&src=1&schema=2&start=1&s=DBcg0T1T-gIAiqaiYcwekzrAJB4"prostitution</a>?
damn. fix the above, pls? it was supposed to say penguin prostitution! sorry.
I think the penguins are most likely anthropomortified by the whole thing.
for the record, penguins smell. badly. and they shit all over the other penguins around them. not sure this is relevant, just a personal observation.