You know what expression I hate? Complimenting someone’s attire by saying that they’re “dressed to the nines.”
Why is 9 such an attractive number? I think 9 has a big fat head on top of a spindly body. I much prefer the gentle, curvaceous 8. I think 5 is slightly more symmetrical. And the 3 has a very nice pair of buttocks, if you look at it a certain way.
I admit I’m not a big fan of 1. I’m not into that straight-up, stick figure, Kate Moss thing. But 1 is better than 9.
Then there’s the number 10--which by definition is the best number of them all. I mean, what are you going to say? “On a scale of 1 to 10, I give 10 a 7.” You can’t say that. It makes absolutely no sense.
Bonus rant! When someone mentioned to me that every issue of Oprah Winfrey’s magazine O would have a picture of Oprah on the cover, I just snickered. I figured she’d get tired of it. It’s tough to keep a monthly schedule of anything, much less magazine cover photo shoots. Each month I put out a company newsletter, pay my mortgage, and change my socks. It seems like I blink my eyes and a month flies by. But here it is, October 2004, and I’m still seeing her self-aggrandizing visage every time I’m in the supermarket. She’s still willing to drop everything she’s doing and run into the studio to be photographed. And it’s not like it’s not possible to put anything else on the cover of a magazine called O. You could have artistic interpretations of Pauline Reage characters, or Julia Stiles in Shakespeare costumes, or anything that typically follows a poetic apostrophe. Oprah, your ego is a sentient, living monstrosity, and I’d like to slam a phone book shut on your nose.
I like number 7. It’s waaaay out there!
Perhaps the “O” really stands for 0, that is, the number of times Oprah has passed a mirror without gazing longingly.
I think we all know what “O” stands for.
Last night as I flipped channels and saw Oprah on the E! True Hollywood story, I had the same thought. But the real problem with the O magazine isn’t having Oprah on the cover every month, it’s that it is boring.
i’ve always been interested in the root of odd, outdated, or inappropriate figures of speech. for example, where does the expression “you can’t swing a dead cat without…” come from? i mean, what kind of sadistic creature dreams up a metaphor like this? any way, my point is you can’t swing a dead cat at the newsstand without hitting another O Magazine cover with a new picture of Oprah on it.
I give this post an ‘11’, because it’s one higher than ‘10’.
Living in Chicago, I have long had Oprah Issues. One of my friends even dragged me to see the show once. Some were even convinced a few weeks ago that the car giveaway was her own largess, even though I tried to convinced them of the error of their ways, and as was borne out in the paper the next day. She sure is full of herself.
One is the loneliest number
That you’ll ever do
Two can be as bad as one
It’s the loneliest number since the number one
what did the zero say to the eight?
Nice Belt!
why was six afraid of seven?
cuz 789
rimshot.
but what i really wanted to say was, 33 is my favorite number. assess or breastesses, it’s just a winner any way you count it.
You leave nine alone buddy. If three has a nice butt, 9 is a Two-Live Crew poster! Nine is so...that breath before ten.
perhaps they take more than *one* photo of O per sitting? i dunno…
and meredith stole my comment. *shakes fist* (but in a loving, just kidding kind of way)
I feel precisely the same way about Oprah, and was arguing about it with one of my friends a couple weeks ago. Her ever present visage on the cover of her magazines irritates me to no end. I mean, Rosie had her own magazine too, but we didn’t have to look at her on each and every cover, did we?
to this post i say : 9 isn’t all bad, just waiting for a 6 to come along and make it all better. yin, yang. plus, that whole 6-9 thing.
and i love that you managed to work in an allusion to the 2nd most controversial french novel published in the 20th century.
heh.
What’s the 1st one? A retrospective of Jerry Lewis movies or something?
“One theory is that it has something to do with the 99th Foot Regiment of the British Army, which had a reputation for being better turned out that most; another idea links it to the Old English word eynes, meaning eyes. ‘To the eynes’ meant ‘to the eyes’."-- The Book of Numbers by William Hartson.
Not that this really answers anything, and not that I think that you care, but seriously, that book is hilarious.
oddly enough, camus’ _l’homme révolté_ (the rebel). though whether one can actually call it a “novel” is a subject for some debate ...
i just heard this one today:
what did zero say to 8?
nice belt!
*rimshot*
Have you heard this: “Gay as a nine dollar bill”
An old man said that to another old man in front of me at an auto repair shop waiting room.
I assume it’s related to ‘Dressed to the nines.’ Perhaps?
I use a 1-14 scale for evaluations. It gives me a little more choice as far as gradations; anything in the double-digits is very good, and anything under 4 is BURNING BURNING ACID.
Hey now....back off of Oprah. I like her.