1. Use the word “boondoggle” whenever possible, even if it has nothing to do with anything. I.e. “I can’t decide what to name my cat.” “Perhaps you should name your cat ‘Boondoggle.’”
2. Write my novel. Already got a great first sentence: “Ashley had everything: beauty, money, intelligence, and syphilis.”
3. Post a picture of me in the badass trenchcoat I got for X-Mas; I look like Fargo North, Decoder.
4. Corollary to #3: stop making pop culture references that are 20 years out of date.
5. Be more sensitive to her needs.
6. Stop talking to my friends who work in the entertainment industry. I became extremely depressed after two people told me that Lauren Graham is a primadonna and everyone hates working with her.
7. Accept more endorsement deals for “Geese Aplenty.” But start modestly (kitchen magnets, bubble blowers) before moving to high-end products (luxury cars).
8. Spend more time at the office. I don’t want to say on my deathbed “If only I had written more ad copy.”
9. Beef up reading habits--get through entire funnies section each day, up to and including “Marmaduke.”
10. Become prison pen pals with Martha Stewart.
I think #8 is my personal favorite
Not Lorelai! ACK! Well, no wonder she and Luke haven’t shagged on the diner counter…
Following the illustrious Snoop Dogg’s footsteps with the Cadillac DeVille, I suppose the Geesemobile was inevitable. Wait. “Goosemobile” with a plural of “Geesemobiles Aplenty”?
I’d like your novel’s first sentence better if it read that Ashley had everything, beauty, money, intelligence, and acne.
if #5 has anything to do with anyone named ashley, i think you and i should have a sit-down.
Don’t go being more sensitive! Women hate that. They only say they like it to throw you off. Then they dump you for a guy who is insensitive to their needs.
Also, add more vowels to Ashley’s name to appropriately reflect the pretentiousness of her upbringing. Perhaps: Asheleye(pronounced: Hea-ther)
Lorelai is a biotch?? Oh no. I was just as bummed that the original Profiler chick, the blond with the huge blue eyes, was a big wench.
Damn them all for ruining our idealized images of them.
“ Ashley had everything, beauty, money, intelligence, and acne”
hey! looks like someone is writing my unauthorized biography. must call lawyer....
that’s curious… I’ve resolved to use the word “doonboggle” as often as possible. Do we cancel each other out?
Sign me up for the geese aplenty bubble blowers. I’ll take five. I LOVE bubbles.
Greg, for the love of God, no. Don’t read ‘Marmaduke.’ That could only lead to worse stuff. First it’s a quick glimpse at ‘Garfield’, then you start to think ‘Family Circus’ is cute. Soon enough you’ve got a full out ‘Cathy’ habit, and then you hit rock bottom ; ‘Snuffy Smith’ starts to make sense.
Just say No to bad comics.
Why not combine them for good fun, and be more sensitive to Ashley’s needs while dressed in your Fargo coat, writing ad copy and reading the funnies while sitting in your Goose-mobile chanting “Boondoggle” if it’s the “Ohm” of 2004? Kill two birds with one stone, or something along the line.
As for me, I’ll just eat more Mince pies.
me, i’m waiting for martha to appear on this site.
It’ been nice knowing you.