At my friend’s Red Egg celebration, I decided that if I had a daughter I’d name her Posterity.
After all, don’t we do everything we do for the sake of Posterity? Don’t we want to do right by Posterity? Don’t we want Posterity to remember us? This way I could be literal about the whole thing and cut out the metaphorical middleman.
But then I realized that this name wouldn’t pass the Playground test. It’s very important that parents to choose a name based on how easily it can become a playground taunt. It’s a short hop and skip from “Posterity” to “Posterior,” so forget that idea.
I actually have a theory that the world’s perfect baby name is “Asshead.” Any kid with that name would be invincible on the playground. I mean, there’s absolutely nowhere for bullies to go with it:
“Let’s go pick on Asshead!”
“Good idea. Hey, Asshead, you...uh...hmmm...”
“Eh, later for this. We can’t do anything to him that his folks didn’t already do.”
“You’re right, screw this. Let’s go beat up on Gaylord.”
In the case of my friend, he had an additional layer of complexity to deal with: he had to choose a name for his daughter that wouldn’t be mangled by his Chinese relatives. He didn’t quite succeed, either; “Haley” is often referred to “Harry” in his extended family. But his first choice for a name had to be discarded altogether, because--I am not making this up--"Madison" was being pronounced as “Medicine.”
That could potentially lead to a disastrous situation. Because it’s pretty much understood that if you’re an aging Chinese relative and you give a shout out, you’re happy when someone sticks a beautiful bundle of granddaughterly joy into your arms. But in an emergency, when you’re actually asking for your heart pills, you had better goddamn well get your heart pills.
My theory is that it doesnt matter what the name is - the kid is only going to get teased if he/she isnt popular. Popular kids can have ridiculous names and no one ever teases them.
naming my child kein (rhymes with “vein") has made every part of RAISING him ever so much more fun. if i have another child and it’s a daughter, i’m naming her rosebud.
(he has a perfectly pedestrian middle name if he ever wants to go with a more clark kent-type identity)
One could solve the potential problem by naming the child “Nitroglycerine” or Nitro for short. An aging relative who shouts “Nitro” would then receive:
1. Heart medicine
2. A bundle of granddaughterly joy, and, possibly,
3. Assistance from a new recruit to the X-men.
I’m planning on naming any hypothetical future offspring NinjaPirateShark.
this is a great post, but I have to say, an almost identical joke was made by crapples a while ago. and now that I think about it, crapples’ blog was very similar to yours in many respects. are you two actually the same person? if not, do you share a mind?
check it out.
http://crapples.blogspot.com/2005/03/thats-my-name-dont-wear-it-out.html
What’s even funnier about that is that I’ve previously disclosed two of the schoolyard taunts I had to put up with: “Greg the Egg” and “Greg the Great Grape Ape.”
Nicknames I have known. (Annotated.)
wow, I really am starting to think you and crapples might be the same person then.
you know, this is largely unrelated, but i’ve just gone back and read through your old nickname post, and it’s reminded me that i never did thank you, because after i read that post the first time i searched around to find the changing-lanes song, and it was funny and still makes me laugh even now i don’t drive so much.
so thanks.
I got Great Dane and Danish for the first name and Vitamin and Victim (of a truck running over my face) for the last name. There’s a reason why I go with my initials now.
Asshead’s not bad. I think you might be on to something here.
A friend of mine decided Manley would be a great name for a kid once, while he was obsessed with studying the work of Gerald Manley Hopkins.
But then he thought what if the kid wasn’t manly? What if he was weedy and small and totally prissy? It would be a fate worse than Gaylord to be an un-manly Manley.
Gaylord doesn’t sound bad unless it’s paired with Focker.
Apparently my grandfather wanted to name my Dad Beelzebub because he was such the ultimate badass in the Bible. Grandma talked him out of it I guess as my Dad’s name is John. My name actually doesn’t rhyme with anything so in truth I didn’t get much of the name taunting business on the playground. If you’re curious about it email me and I’ll tell, but I keep it off the internet...wouldn’t want to start some craze of people giving their kids wackyass names like mine.
First names can be an easy source of taunting and ridicule, but surnames can have a more lasting and irritating effect. Especially those sometimes unpronouncable eastern Europeon names that most people are fearful of pronouncing the first time they see them. Having such a name, I’ve gone through llife constantly spelling and pronouncing and wondering why people are so intimidated by all those consonants. My mother was kind enough to give each of her children 3 letter middle names that could serve as surnames if we so chose. I never did that and don’t know why. My daughter has the opportunity to use the name Smith, yet feels that her family name offers her more chance at being remembered professionally. Go figure.
my next kid’s name...obviously...Jaden Jr!
I’m liking Crapples. Thanks “J.”
-- If that is your real name.
This is hilarious:)
Coincidently, last year, when we were trying to help my cousin pick a name for her soon to be born baby (well duh), my mom had the EXACT same objection to Madison. I didn’t think of it til after she said it, but now I can’t hear the name Madison without thinking medicine. She also doesn’t like Emma because it sounds like mm-ah which in Taiwanese is old lady or old aunt or something like that. (Someone who really knows is gonna be rolling their eyes at my bad translation probably:p)