A sign of the fall of western civilization is, in my opinion, the fact that young people--particularly males--no longer have to make a concerted effort to find nudity.
In my day, this was an undertaking of monumental proportions. We had to coerce our older sibling units to let us have their Penthouse mags, an enterprise which often required wheedling, whining, and room cleaning services. Even more difficult was sneaking into R-rated movies, which often backfired. Imagine teaming up with a friend, risking life and limb to bypass ushers, and eventually getting into The Blues Brothers and Aliens--only to find out that neither film contained any nudity whatsoever. You’d leave the theater in disgust:
“Christ, what a ripoff.”
“But Greg, the alien was naked, at least.”
“Shut up.”
Even movies that, by all rights, should have been wall-to-wall skin often came up empty. The teen comedy Just One of the Guys told the touching story of a cute girl who became a cross-dresser so she could join the high school football team and become a star player. Locker room scenes! Hasty clothes changing! Hormones and romance! And--wait for it--no nudity.
What was up with that? It was rated R for...what? Adult language? That means my math class was rated R, but no pinhead waving a flashlight ever tried to check my ID at the classroom door.
You know the scene that starts off American Pie, where the hero is watching scrambled cable channels in an attempt to see a flash of bare breast? Girls laugh at that scene first. It takes guys a few minutes longer. We’ve been trained from early childhood to examine scrambled channels and locate their hidden bounties. We don’t realize at first that the scene is a joke. And that it’s on us.
But kids today? They have the Internet.
And don’t get me started on CyberNanny or JerryFallwellSurf or whatever lame program is sold to parents in order to slow down the inexorable march of history. Growing up, we all knew a kid down the block whose parents would buy him cases of porn, beer, and crack cocaine--"It’s better that he become a drug-addled sexaholic while we’re in the house, rather than do it behind our backs"--and there’s even more of those kids today. They can hack the programs, kill the software, and unleash torrents of cybersin for their friends and colleagues.
And what will be the result?
Nudity just won’t cut it anymore.
Mark my words. Without having to work for it any longer, guys will cease to be tantalized by the thought of bare skin. In the space of a generation, human nudity will become as exciting as a pair of gym socks.
People won’t even bother covering up anymore, unless there’s a practical reason like weather conditions. At times the fashion will be to expose one breast, sometimes two, sometimes a left breast and a right buttock--
And no one will care. It’ll be like those photos in National Geographic where everyone’s stark naked and carrying bowls of water on their heads.
Female readers may be getting excited now. They’re thinking, “My God. Imagine the possibilities when guys are no longer obsessed with what they see. They’ll learn to appreciate emotions and feelings. After centuries of conflict and distrust, men and women will come together, form a glorious, harmonious union, and usher in a golden age of gender relations!”
Get real.
Let me clarify the picture for you: with the visual no longer a priority, guys will flock to brand-new kinds of Internet sites. These sites will be different than the ones we know today. They’ll cater to guy-specific mental dysfunctions, ones that will spring to the foreground of male consciousness after years of being sidelined in favor of electronic fleshgardens.
Sites such as:
OedipusLite.com—Our hot girls look a little bit like your mother! Just enough for you to feel comfortable and familiar but not enough to creep you out! It’s a delicate psychological balance, but our team of hotties totally carries it off!
AngelOrTart.com—Is she the charming girl next door or a wanton sexpot? There’s no need to decide!
ComeHereGoAway.com—Sick of girls being too distant? Sick of girls getting too close? Our scorching hot fillies call you when they feel like it and but otherwise won’t give you the time of day. You’ll always stay “interested” and feel the thrill of the chase, and never have to settle down into a normal, adult relationship!*
*Absolutely NO ONE UNDER 18 allowed....and NO ONE OVER 18 in terms of mental maturity. Please have your PatRobertson Password ready!
Hmmm. You know what? Now that I’ve written all of this down, I’ve decided it’s a bunch of malarkey. Society will become indifferent to nakedness about the same time that Rick Santorum appears on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Sorry that you read this entire post for nothing!
