Ever get one of those emails that sends a chill through your soul? Such as:
“I think we should just remain friends.”
“The company will no longer require your services.”
“XXX Are you satisfying her??! XXX akjdhjk”
Dad sent me one of those emails right before I left to visit everyone for Christmas:
“If you want mince pie for dessert, try to find one. They are so out-of-favor I could not find one in Santa Rosa. I don’t have time to make one.”
I suddenly felt woozy. I had to sit down. Except I was already sitting down. So I lay on the floor. The cat crawled on my head and pretended to be a Davy Crockett cap.
I wasn’t thunderstruck because I’d have to figure out where to buy a mince pie. I knew that Walker’s Pie Shop in Berkeley would not only have mince pies, but they’d have extra ones for Christmas Eve and I could just stroll in and buy one.
No, I was upset because I realized Dad was right: very few places sell mince pies anymore. They’re a dying art.
Just out of curiosity, I called the local bakery down the street:
“Hi, I’m wondering if you sell mince pies.”
“Uhhh...let me check..................................(rustle rustle rustle).............yeah, hello?”
“Yes.”
“We don’t sell mince pies. But if you want, you can buy some jars of mincemeat and make it yourself.”
Thanks a lot, Emeril. Next time you call the fire department to save your burning house, I hope they dump a bunch of hoses on your lawn and drive off.
My father and I don’t agree on very much. We do agree that any movie with a spaceship is worth watching with an open mind. We think that Jane Austen is funny. We think my mother is nice.
We also like mince pies, although my situation is somewhat more desperate than Dad’s because I never cared much for pumpkin. If mince pies vanish into oblivion, I’ll be stuck eating those apple turnover thingies from McDonald’s.
Near as I can tell, this is happening because mince pies are a tough dessert. They taste a little strong. They’re not a namby pamby little fruit pie. They make you sit up and take notice. But that’s too much for today’s lazy, mechanized society where everyone TIVOs everything and skips past the commercials--they can’t even stand to fast forward them like they did in my day, using a good old-fashioned remote control. People sit in overstuffed chairs and passively receive opinions beamed to them from seemingly benevolent (but in reality evil) figures such as Bill O’Reilly, John Ashcroft, and Ellen DeGeneres. Former Mouseketeers lip-sync their way to stardom while aging action stars slash budgets with as much numerical acumen as their own illiterate children, who snore over algebra homework in nearby voucher-fed private schools where students have their chauffeurs on speed dial and gag over Shakespeare but quote dialogue from The OC with double-whipped-mocha-induced abandon--
Uh, anyway. My point is, I’m doing my part to save civilization. I’m going to eat mince pie. Even in this world gone wrong. Even as the tide of history turns against me.
Even if--God help us all--I have to start making it myself.
It could just be because they suck.
i seem to remember you making a mince pie for thanksgiving one year, or it could just be “remembering” after having read this post. if i’d known, and been in london even two days earlier, i’d have express-mailed you a mince pie. they are EVERYWHERE over there. i keep telling you you’re on the wrong continent.
by the way, am still giggling over “thanks a lot, emeril.” my sister - an avid fan of the food network - would be proud of you.
You’re right. There is a severe shortage of baked goods that combine beef and apples.
Are you a traditional beef-and-suet mincemeat pie man, or are you a Volvo-driving, Marin county hot-tubbing, New Age “namby pamby” meat-and-suet-free mince pie eater?
Mmmmm suet.
Just buy the frickin TIVO… you have to give in sooner or later and I’ve got to tell you that I don’t watch even one Swiffer commercial… not to mention the feminine hygiene commercials… those make me incomprehensibly uncomfortable…
There’s about a third of a mince pie sitting in our fridge right now—I’m half tempted to send it to you. Heh.
O brave new pie, that has such filling in it.
Greg, this is the first thing that’s made me laugh in a long time. Thank you.
I’m going to do my part to save civilization and talk a lot about mince pies.
Beep!
E
That’s a sad tale.
My friend ate mince tarts for breakfast this morning.
will you hurt me if i ask what these are?
“There’s about a third of a mince pie sitting in our fridge right now—I’m half tempted to send it to you.”
you’re about to get 1/6 of a pie in the mail, I think.
Um, what is mince pie? I, personally, have never heard of it.
um
what’s a mince? i haven’t seen any vast herds of minces thundering across the plains or anything.
Communication Problem: When it takes 12 years of baking pumpkin pies to find out both your father-in-law and your brother-in-law do not like them. Oh, I like every kind of pie except mince meat.
The best pie in the world!!!. I haven’t had one or mince tarts in a few years. Makes me want to start baking again.
the joys of the english language (or how to confuse a word that relates to meat AND fruit)
you need to live in an english (the country not the language) based society - if you did you could have all the mince (either kind) pies you like
i like my (fruit) mince pies warmed up with custard and whipped cream.......mmmmmmmm