I haven’t flown in a while and I was pleasantly surprised how quickly airport security lines go. Even a year after 9-11, you could expect long, snaking lines presided over by 19-year olds wearing combat fatigues and carrying rifles. Now, the lines are still long but they move at a rapid clip. Everyone knows what’s expected and what needs to be done. I was in and out in twenty minutes--and I didn’t even hit a snag until the end.
“Please put your laptop in a separate box on the conveyor belt.”
“Right.”
“Please put your jacket into yet another box on the conveyor belt.”
“Right.”
“Please take off your shoes.”
“Right.”
“Please take off your cell phone.”
“Right.”
“Now juggle your shoes.”
“Right.”
“Here’s your cell phone. Now juggle all three objects.”
“Right.”
“Now recite your favorite line from The Princess Bride.’”
“Huh?”
“Go on, hurry up.”
“Uh....”
(A number of security guards start to look over suspiciously at me. One of them whispers: “He’s stalling.")
“Okay, okay. Uh...’You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is Never get involved in a land war in Asia. But only slightly less well known is this: Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.’”
(The guards peer at me.)
“That’s an awfully esoteric choice.”
“Well, I think it’s funny.”
“Most people just go with ‘My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.’ Perhaps you’re a pinko communist terrorist scum?”
“Look, I like that line too, but everyone quotes that. It sort of loses its effect after a while.”
(The guards rest their hands on their weapons. The air is thick with tension. Then:)
“All right fine. Pack up your things and get out of here. But we’ve got our eye on you, long-line-quoter. Things are different now here in the good ‘ol U.S. of A.”
I hurried to catch my flight. The whole thing had only taken twenty minutes. It was great to see that airport security really had become more effective and efficient.
I usually go with “I do not think it means what you think it means.” That seems to have universal application.
aaassss
yyyoooouuuuuu
wwwwwiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssssssssssssshhhhhh
except that that’s hard to do for the airport security crowd, especially the tumbling part. Still, I like to get physical with my roles, otherwise why bother?
Oh, and enjoy storming the castle.
“Good bye, kids. Good luck storming the castle!”
“to bluff. He said ‘to bluff’.”
I love that movie.
ahh amm duh dwed piwate wobbatts
rofl.
We should be so lucky that the employees of the TSA would know the word “esoteric” and use it properly in a sentence.
“Oh-ho, look who knows so much.” Except, when you suck at impersonations, which I do, and fail to follow it up with, “He’s only mostly dead.” Then people pretty much assume I’m just being a smug ass. I wish I could say they’re wrong.
mighty jimbo thinks rodents of unusual size make great family pets.
Has anyone got a peanut?
stop it, I mean it.
I hate that movie.
Really??
So do I. I thought I was completely alone in that.
No, no, you’re not alone. At least, as much as TERRORISTS can’t be alone.
i think they’re bluffing, greg. i’ve never heard anybody say they HATE that movie. tired of wallace shawn, ok. unimpressed by billy crystal’s whining miracle-man routine, maybe. but how can you hate a movie that features a grandfatherly peter falk, an evil six-fingered man with a dirty secret history, the whole reasoning behind “to the pain!”, and one of the world’s few pairs of perfect breasts?
oh yeah, and mandy patinkin - in a role where he not only does not sing, but also does not dance?
yeah, bluffing.
Am I the only person online that hasn’t seen the movie? Aren’t we all of a similar era? When in Lillith’s name did you all find yourself needing to see the Princess Bride? I even own a copy - long story - but have never found a reason to watch it.
Greg, do you really want to be the kind of guy that calls me on ‘Manic Monday’ the day before going all vaingloriously ‘Princess Bride’ up in heah?
1. How anyone can hate Princess Bride is beyond me.
2. Dirty Dan: Get thee to a DVD player.
3. “mawwidge”
Well, there’s hate like hate the first time you saw it, and then there’s hate like hate after the five-hundredth time your housemate says “Have fun storming the castle!” as you’re leaving the house. I’m squarely in that second category of hate. I like it as much as most other movies, but I’m pretty much supersaturated with it for the rest of my life.
I always think of the Never get involved in a land war in Asia line. But mostly it’s “Inconceivable”.
I will think of this post as I get put into the “special” line. It happens every time I fly. I think they’re profiling fair skinned, auburn haired women over 30 with guitars.
Anna!! No kidding! Everytime I fly! Maybe I should dye my hair to hide the evidence....
I hate, loathe, despise that movie. So add me to the short list of your choosing.
If Fred Savage had played a larger part in the movie, I might have liked it. I loved me some Kevin Arnold back then. Not many guys come with a voice-over.
Oh, if airport security would only ask me that. The fun my friend and I had doing entire scenes together. And the “Get back witch!” “I’m not a witch, I’m your wife! But after what you said, I’m not even sure I want to be that anymore!” scene she did entirely on her own. So “Humperdink! Ah! Humperdink! Ah! Humperdink Humperdink Humperdink! AH!” gained an entirely new level of humor. I would hold up lines, though, because I probably wouldn’t be able to stop myself. And then everyone would hate me. So they better not ask me to quote lines from anything....
Inconceivable.
I do not think that word means what you think it does.
One of my favorites..
“There is something I think you should know. I am not left handed either.”
I love that movie. You non-lovers are Pinkos for sure.
I love that movie too. It’s a classic!
Yes, I really hate that movie, and I also don’t care much for dogs. Whenever I admit those two things people immediately start throwing things at me. I don’t care; I hold fast to my convictions.
Well, the book IS funnier.
HATE the princess bride? INFIDELS! You must die!
I love it so much I gave it to my cousin for Christmas. He’s in Zambia for the Peace Corps with only a dvd player for entertainment. We used to be able to quote the whole movie. I should’ve picked up a copy for myself. Dirty Dan, can I have yours?
[Buttercup kisses the elderly king on the cheek]
King: What was that for?
Buttercup: Because you’ve always been so kind to me, and I won’t be seeing you anymore as I’m killing myself when I get to the honeymoon suite.
King: Yes, won’t that be nice.
***
And, as I said in a comment on Dan’s site today, I always, always get picked for the “special” screening too. I’d like to think of it as a compliment, but I can’t think of a reason to.