I’ve always wondered about all those those Halloween Superstores that spring up every year about this time. Where do they find the space? Unfortunately, I found out when I came back from my trip. Exhausted from jet lag, I stumbled through the door and found that my condo was full of people rifling through costumes, accessories, and masks--none of which had been there when I left.
It sounds ridiculous, but my home had been turned into a Halloween Superstore. People were rummaging through my drawers, throwing away socks and boxers while grabbing fistfuls of fake blood tubes and plastic fangs. It was complete chaos.
I screamed, “What the hell are you people doing? Get the hell out of here!”
A man turned to me and asked, “Where do you keep the slutty nurse outfits? I need one for my girlfriend, and all I can find are corn flakes.” He held up a half-empty box.
”Those are my corn flakes. Put those down!”
He looked at me, offended. “What do you mean they’re your cornflakes? Do you have a receipt? I might want to buy this box, cut some leg holes, and use it for my cat’s costume.”
I was about to punch the guy out when a woman tapped me on the shoulder. “Excuse me, I’m the manager of this store and we have every right to be here.”
“You have every right to set up a Halloween superstore in my apartment when I’m on vacation?”
“Yes, we have to find some place to breeze in, set up shop, and then quickly leave after the holiday’s over. It’s become increasingly difficult to find commercial space, so we’ve started taking over private homes.”
“Don’t you think you need my permission?”
“Not really.” She waved some papers in my face. “Ever since the Supreme Court heard Kelo v. City of New London, it’s been a lot easier. That case involved the use of eminent domain to transfer land from one private owner to another to further economic development. The Court held in a 5-4 decision that the general benefits a community enjoyed from economic growth qualified such redevelopment plans as a permissible ‘public use’ under the Takings Clause of the Fifth Amendment.”
“And what exactly does that have to do with me--?”
“Halloween is a growth industry. So we’re redeveloping your living room. And bedroom. And kitchen. For the benefit of the community.”
“THIS IS INSANE--”
“Take it up with Antonin Scalia. In the meantime, do you mind if we knock one of your walls out? We need more space for all of our Captain Jack Sparrow inventory.”
Overcome with fatigue and despair, I slumped against the wall. A little girl came up to me.
“I know how you feel,” she said.
“You do?”
“Yes, I was really hoping they hadn’t sold out of Hermione too.”
I love it! A law-based blog post. And don’t forget that when the DEA breaks in your door and throws flash-bang grenades in your bedroom at 3 in the morning, that any resistance on your part is illegal because you should be able to mind-read the invaders and thus differentiate them from your usual gang-banger home invasion robbery team. Also thanks to Scalia, et al, who thinks that we can rely on the modern educated police force to avoid mistakes and not shoot any innocent people.
Dude, that is SOME jet lag.
Do we get some sort of bloggers discount? Cuz I need a cheap costume. This budgeting stuff is for the birds.
Jetlag is like LSD for you. I recommend a lot more of it.
Justice Scalia dissented from Kelo v. City of New London. He is not the one to take it up with. Take it up with our five friends, Stevens, Souter, Kennedy, Ginsburg, and Breyer.
Dammit. Can’t toss back any good/pointed sass without going to read the whole opinion. Geeesh.
Oh well. I’m happy for a little education. I’d be happier if I was a very super duper powerful person who could either make everyone read this or get you a gig on the Daily Show. I’m not. I’m sorry. Because it’s somewhere in the neighborhood o’ brilliant.