So this person was all I’m going to go home now, and I’m all Let me walk you out to your car because it’s dark outside, and she’s all Listen I have a green belt, and I’m all What the hell does it matter how well you can accessorize? We’re talking about self defense here.
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Online error message recently viewed: “Please try again later, or contact us if you feel there is something else going wrong or need assistants.” Why yes, I do need assistants--but preferably not from your secretarial pool, as I prefer that my assistants, in addition to fetching lattes and buffing my nails, are able to, y’know, proofread.
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Scariest haircut ever: I’m sitting in the chair and “Hella Good” by No Doubt starts piping through the speakers and my barbertrix starts humming and tapping and then even dancing a bit. Listen, if I wanted a Gwen Stefani-inspired ‘do, I’d commute to Los Angeles every two months and get one from her personal stylist. Put the scissors down and back away from my chair.
My assistant never gets me coffee or buffs my nails.
Lucky you.
i AM the assistant, and i don’t do nails.
(lattés, though - guilty.)
I was trying to think of the scariest soundtrack for common situations the other day, and the best one I came up with would be hearing The Dead Kennedys’ “I Kill Children” at your pediatrician’s office.
God, those three stories reivived my faith in the ability of blogs to be funny and intelligent at the same time. Marry me, Geese?
Funny stuff!
I hate when people with sharp implements are dancing around my head. It’s like the musical of Buffy or something…
Worse is when you make a grievous gaffe like that to a colleague and under your name is the title “Associate Editor.”
Oh, the pain.
From the title of your post I thought you were gonna talk about all the goose poo at Lake Merrit.
My sister once talked me into letting her cut my hair. She and her good friend sat me down in her friend’s living room, and each took a side of my head. I wasn’t too enthusiastic about that, but it got worse when they both immediately started in on the haircut. I really thought they should have discussed the cut with each other (or me!) before cutting my hair.
I didn’t stop them, mostly because my sister’s friend kept reassuring me about how beautiful I would look. Its hard to walk away from that.
The cut wasn’t awful, but it wasn’t very even. And my sister never did understand why I switched back to professional haircutters. So expensive!
I had a similar experience at a barber shop. The guy started dancing - spins and all - with clippers in his hand, while cutting my hair. The scary part was that it was to that Christina Aguilera remake of “lady marmalade.” I think it was only my weeping in the chair that got him to stop. “Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir!
Aside from your lovely play-on-word green belt joke, of course you know that an offer to be walked to the car is always translated as “so I can snag a snog from you,” right?
I think “Snag-a-snog” sounds like a Dr. Seuss animal.
“He’s tall as a giraffe
And wide as a hog
But he’s really quite friendly
that ol’ Snag-a-snog.”