- Hi, I’m here to talk to Selena. She’s been helping me with my retiling project.
- She’s not here.
- But she knew I was coming in today. Can you help me? My last name’s Howard.
- Huh, your file isn’t where it should be. She always puts paperwork in some place no one can get it, rather than alphabetically so other associates can help out her customers when she’s not around.
- But why would she--
- And sometimes she takes it home.
- What do you mean, she takes it home? Why would she take my paperwork home? Do the measurements of my bathroom make for good recreational reading?
- Listen, you should ask her that question yourself. I’m serious. Ask her that, and then come find me and let me know. I’m interested. We all get pretty sick of it here.
- Look...can you just help me? I need to move this project along.
- I’ll try, but it’s going to be difficult.
Three hours later I left Home Depot, with more questions about my project than answers, and I had a powerful spiritual vision of dazzling precision and clarity: I would ascend into the heavens like a God of fiery vengeance, and my hand would blaze with crimson glory, and I would smite all the people who work retail and don’t make commission and take that as an excuse to perform their work without the slightest degree of integrity, and I would grind their skin and bones into liquefied evil and use it to grout my tile.
In terms of things I’d do when becoming God, I might even prioritize that above “make it thunderstorm cappuccinos at 6 a.m. each morning.”
I’ll bet the grout would smell bad after a while. As to people not keeping committments, ask your Mom about our contractor.
Oooh. When you’re being God can you please liquifiy the bones of the people who work in the Home Depot Garden Centre too? I hate those fuckers.
Thanks!
No, even those who work for solely for a commission can be complete morons (I work in real estate).
Greg, Greg, Greg. When will you learn to hate all people equally? All of this segregation of hatred is tearing this country apart.
Please stop by Best Buy as well and pick up some of their uncommissioned sales people for your grout mixature. They are useless.
Hey, that must have been Selena’s ghost that was assisting you, as Selena was murdered a few years ago. They already made the movie. Did you miss the premiere?
Now, if it was the other Selena, the one who works for Home Depot and was not at work this morning—she sucks. In fact, the very reason she was not at work was that she was busy giving blow jobs under the bleachers during breaks in the early morning track workouts.
Why didn’t you get her last name and call her at home? Better yet, just drop by with all your kids and friends hang out for a while.
the blog is funny but some of the comments are down right nasty - ouch ! (and i only work in childcare). and are you saying you like the way commission-only sales people sink their teeth into one’s trouser leg?
as for those thunderstorms, can i request a shower of short blacks? hailstones expresso at 6 every am would float my boat.
i feel i’ve been on the retail end of things too often to comment on this one ... but i’m sorry about your floors.
can you give me bigger boobs?
Romy, I’ve worked retail too, which is why I’m drawing a distinction between good and bad. poo, not sure. Send me jpegs of them so I can get in touch with my celestial sources and give you an an educated answer.
It could just be that Selena is from outer space, y’know, being a Greek moon goddess and all.
interesting…
Greg Almighty. It’s got a nice ring to it.
I’ll be sending you a short list of people to smite for me. thankseversomuch!
Hmmm....could it also rain down some buttermilk donuts? Because those in the morning are really good.
And your highness, I have a car salesman with your name on it. If you don’t mind.
Are you kidding?! Are you sure you name’s not Atpanda’s Husband? We had almost this exact thing happen at Home Depot last week! You’d think they’d be a little bit more excited about a $6000 sale, right?
Can you start with the atheists first?
I want to see the look on their faces. Then you probably will come after my kind next (State employees).
*sigh*
this is long overdue but i just realized something i left out of my earlier comment ... that for me to join in the criticizing would be TOTAL HYPOCRISY, because i’ve worked retail and hated it to such an extent that i’m sure i’ve done similarly irresponsible things. thank goodness there’s a limit to how much KFC can put its employees in charge of someone’s home life.