When we’re out in public, you may not appear prettier than I am.
You will always smile and say vapid things--cf. your excellent work in Dawson’s Creek.
There will be no sexual contact, but you will give interviews in which you refer to me with provocative nicknames like “Tomcat” and “My Number One Top Gun.”
I will ensure that you get to play the decorative, useless woman character in some big budget franchise movie. Note: Batman Begins will not count toward this obligation.
Don’t look at me with beady, judgmental eyes.
I’m serious. Don’t you goddamn look at me.
Don’t threaten to overshadow my talent. You seem harmless (First Daughter, etc) but so did Nicole.
Slouch a bit when you walk with me. You’re 5’9” and I’m...well, none of your business.
Your brain now belongs to our benevolent alien overlords.
At the end of 15 months, we will have an amiable, publicly staged breakup--at which point I will take up with my War of the Worlds co-star, Dakota Fanning.
Exactly. He frightens me. She creeps me out. Please, someone just beam them up and out of my gossip pages.
were those same rules applied to nicole kidman i wonder? how did they manage the whole “no looking prettier than i” clause in the contract?
btw “first daughter” was WAAAYYYY better dubbed into french.
I wrote a very witty comment and then it didn’t like my email address and and deleted the witty comment. I was brilliant I tell ya!
Bwahahahahaha I think I love you, Greg.
me too
Tragically, it’s already too late for Katie. See this press release.
Dammit, now I have to contend with HIM for Dakota’s affections…
I saw a news clip of Tom and Katie at his London movie premiere and he looked disgusted when she went to kiss him. I’ve never seen anything so uncomfortable in my life...well, except for Meet the Parents.
I heard that she wasn’t signed for the next Batman movie, so this may actually be hurting her career.
wow, scary how you’re able to sooo adeptly channel tom like that!
I think her performance in Batman is what’s hurting her career.
Did you hear about the man pretending to be a journalist who got Tom to speak in to his microphone on the red carpet of his movie premiere, but it was actually a squirt gun? YES!! IN YOUR FACE!
Hey nice Google ads, champ.
don’t forget
- don’t touch my pee pee, sex is dirty (ask mimi rogers)
- take your vitamins, not like that drug addled brooke shields
I’ve heard she is a 26 year old virgin in Hollywood… help me out here, there has got to be a line regarding him sleeping with a man before she has.
He he he he! Freaky
get ready...lawsuits aplenty.
i just realized how perfect actresses are as beards. when asked about having kids, they are completely within their rights to scrunch up their lopsided little mouths and make ‘ew’ face.
Tom Cruise = HETERO
On the upside, Dakota Fanning is awful enough to bring him down.
Reecie, I am sure that you are a majestic and learned person...but I still picture you in a pyramid power hat lighting candles and shaking a gourd when you say that The Cruise is The Hetero.
But I know that I am biased. Hey, did you know that I know a guy that actually pronounces biased ‘bi-assed’ and feels good about it.
Reecie’s comment is a bit of an in joke.
Oh, it’s perfect...too perfect. In fact, it’s so perfect it almost has to be real...!
is it too late to add something in there about her nipples? i ask because i’m wearing an eyepatch due to the last scene of BB.
God, this is rich. You’re a scream.