I have a theory that God runs reality pretty much like a corporation, and when you die you have to talk with Human Resources prior to shuffling off this plane of existence:

HR: Thanks for coming in, Mr. Howard.  Now, the first thing I’d like to ask you is--HEY. What are you doing with that iPod?

ME: Being dead doesn’t mean that I can’t enjoy quality tunes.

HR: I’m sorry, that’s company property.  The rules specifically say--"You can’t take it with you.”

ME: That is completely lame.

HR: And the stapler.

ME: Whatever.

HR: Now, let’s talk about how your career went with us. Do you feel your goals were sufficiently established?

ME: Like hell.  I had no idea what I was supposed to do.  Management needs to be much more clear about His objectives.

HR: Well, our culture prizes autonomy and self-starters.

ME: Yeah, like that Hitler guy.

HR: Come on.  If I only had a nickel every time some newly dead person defended his actions by invoking Hitler.  Now, how did you feel about your co-workers?

ME: Liked a lot of them--loved the one who did that one thing, damn, you need to teach more of your employees to do that--was annoyed by a bunch of them, and what was up with that guy who kept adding me on Facebook?  If I were you, I’d use a more stringent screening process in your recruiting.

HR: Oh, natural selection isn’t a finely tuned enough process for Your Majesty?

ME: Honestly, it needs some work. I mean, a billion years of evolution and we get Paul Blart: Mall Cop.  And we still have a tailbone for no apparent reason.

HR: What would you recommend to build a better workplace?

ME: More shared objectives, better communication, better salary, and fewer meetings. Also, flying cars.

HR: So, would you work here again?

ME: Well, I’m dead and I’m not coming back, so I’m gonna be honest with you. This place is deeply dysfunctional, it’s poorly run, and although there’s a lot of good intentions and good ideas, I think the culture needs a ground-up reworking.

HR: Actually, you could come back. You’re eligible for re-hire through our newly established reincarnation program.

ME: ....

HR: Long waiting list, though.

ME: ....what I meant to say was, I’d come back in a heartbeat. So to speak.  Love the executive management style--very “hands off,” very “create your own meaning whilst you spin in the existential void.” Which I personally find very empowering.  Great, thanks, please spell my name correctly--it’s “Greg” with one “G.” HR at my actual company never got that right.