I love James Bond, and one of things I love is that the good guys and bad guys are so polite and courteous. They dress in dinner jackets and play poker and drink champagne for hours and hours before deciding to kill one another. Even at the end they follow the Miss Manners handbook to the letter: “The game is yours, Mr. Bond--now pardon me while I faint, as my lower intestines appear to be sloshing onto the floor.”

In real life it’s not like that at all. It’s “Godless heathen” this and “Bloodthirsty tyrant” that. And there’s absolutely no gentlemanly sparring before sending in troops to fight horrible battles.

I’d like to propose that the leaders of the world take a little time before declaring hostilities. They can play a game of cards or go skeet shooting or something, and slowly take each other’s measure. Then if they’re still ticked off, they can settle the matter like civilized people--using laserbeam deathtraps and exploding wristwatches.