Northern California looks so cute when it tries to impress you with its seasons. The leaves turn yellow and red haphazardly, like a kid scrawling inside a coloring book. Then the whole area lurches into winter. Or it pretends to. All that really happens is the air feels a little colder than usual. It rains sometimes, but mostly the sun weakly dabs at the rooftops and tries to melt the morning frost.
California has no idea what real seasons are, and it will never know because it’s separated from them by thousands of miles. It has no idea that elsewhere in the country, the leaves turn so bright and vivid that they look as though they’re on fire. It doesn’t know that if you stand in a certain place at just the right time, the air smells of apple cinnamon. It doesn’t know that when the storms start to hit, the days become as hard and cold as a runway model’s face.
You are nice to California. After all, you love California; it’s possible that you may never leave it again. With that kind of commitment in the offing, the last thing you want to do is hurt California’s feelings. So you smile indulgently as it parades its badly colored trees in front of you and occasionally showers you with rain. Just because California does this one thing poorly doesn’t mean that it should be berated for its failures. California is a genius when it comes to spring, and second-run movie theaters, and couples key parties. Let it get this nonsense out of its system, as it apparently needs to do once a year. It’s all right if your face starts to hurt from all of the fake smiling. Once the air warms up and the fog lifts, your praise will once again be genuine.
I don’t know, Greg, I walked outside coatless at lunch, and it was beautiful: sunny, clear, 70 degrees....I’m smiling now! And not just because of that key party we’re going to this weekend!
You couldn’t have described Houston winters more perfectly, but unfortunately our summers are more like let me see how much misery I can put you through.
Awesome.
key party: an event at which, when the most attractive woman present chooses your keys, the car won’t start.
I don’t think you’re supposed to go off and drive anywhere. You just take keys out of an empty fishbowl and pair up and go into a guest bedroom. That’s the way it happens in the movies!
Now if you mean “car won’t start” in another sense, well, that’s different.
I miss standing at the kitchen window in Massachusetts and watching the cat attempt to walk in 18 inches of freshly fallen snow. However, now I’m in Santa Cruz, where I can watch tourists attempt to walk on the beach in heels.
Awesome piece of writing sir, I’m going to link it on my blog and email it a few times.
What are you talking about? California has that special apple-cinnamony smelling spot. It’s at the mall in front of Bath and Body Works. It’s right next to the Gap which is selling scarves and hats it will never get cold enough to wear.
that was wonderful.
louisiana is much the same.
i actually pulled my car over the other day, to take a picture of a tree whose leaves had changed color.
surreal.
Damn, this is good.
I don’t think you have any right to complain about the weather. Here in CANADA, it is HORRIBLE. Snow turns to slush and ice and cold turns to freezing and okay, tolerable turns to I’M GETTING OUT OF HERE AS SOON AS I THAW.