I learned a lot at the baby care class. For example: do you realize that newborns need to be “calmed” by their mothers an average of 12 times a day? I find that number staggering, and it really makes me reflect on the difference between being an adult and being a child. As a grown man, I only have to be calmed about 8 times a day.
The class was led by a typical left-leaning, highly-educated-yet-granola San Francisco woman who either charms you or annoys you depending on your perspective. I personally liked her and thought she was the kind of person who can totally get away with using the word “holistic” in casual conversation. My sister-in-law, on the other hand, was heard to mutter at one point: “These cloth-diaper advocating nazi girls are all the same.”
I was annoyed at one of the sheets handed out in the class, a piece of badly written propaganda that attempted to encourage all the new mothers to not let babies cry in order to bolster their “independence” but rather attend to their needs immediately. I have no problem with the thesis, but rather the way it was defended. Written by some Harvard Ph.D. schmuck, the paper argues--and I am not making this up--that promoting baby independence is wrong because of the reactions it had on members of the Gusii tribe in Africa. I quote:
“Gusii mothers sleep with their babies and respond rapidly when the baby cries. Gusii mothers watching videotapes of U.S. mothers were upset by how long it took these mothers to respond to infant crying” (Michael Commons and Patrice Miller, Department of Psychiatry, Harvard).
Two points:
1. Of course the Gusii mothers were upset. They’d probably never seen a television before, much less American childrearing practices. I’m betting that they were agitated because they thought the TV ate the mother and the child, and the screen was a window into its mechanical stomach where whole families were being slowly digested.
2. Following Gusii childrearing practices is all well and good...if you want your babies to grow up to be hunters and gatherers.
A word about baby garments: my brother followed a commenter’s suggestion to visit Dookiwear.com, a site that offers offbeat infant garments. He has already bought two T-shirts for his impending daughter:
QUIT TALKING TO ME LIKE I’M A MORON
ALREADY A FEMINIST
And he is currently unsure of whether to buy a third one (but it made me laugh, so he should):
THEY SHAKE ME
Yay! Glad he followed up on Dookie wear! My latest purchases for friends include the aforementioned Already a Feminist, When I grow up I want to be a boobie doctor, and Evil Genius for a Better Tomorrow. Those people rock.
is it wrong of me to want a child just so i can dress it in t-shirts like those ?
and can i just add my deux euro-cents to the baby-crying issue? truly, fostering independence at home is all well and good. go ahead, let ‘em cry. but once you board the airplane, ô parent, or wheel your newborn into church, you better get all gusii on that baby. all i’m saying.
I got my cousin one from wrybaby.com that says “I Might Barf”.
My favorite, however, is the toddler t-shirt that says “Anarchy in the Pre-K.” I’ve thought about having a child just so I could have her wear that.
yeah, I’m sort of against using African tribal practices as a benchmark for childrearing myself, since there are quite a few tribes who have young boys perform fellatio on older men until they come of age. I wonder if they would be apalled if they saw our adolescent boys running around not sucking dick.
“they shake me” is a little like “he hate me” for the toddler set. whoops, sorry, that’s a sports reference ...
i was going to say something else, but kerry’s comment has me discombobulated.
Kerry has a real knack for turning things up to 11.
Thank you for my morning spit-take. Must...buy...t-shirts…
My niece has one that says, “if you think I’m cute, you should see my dad.”
?? has the gusii tribe shown to be a more peaceful, progressive, innovative group than the member of the rest of the world? why are they the benchmark by which we should all be measured? hrm…
I agree with you, Greg about raising your kid like a Gusii mother if you want a hunter/gatherer. Along those lines, moms would be wise to find out the parenting methods of famous people throughout history. For instance, dressing your son in girl’s clothes may result in a poet like Oscar Wilde, or another poet like Robert Smith from the Cure. Alternately, forcing your son to watch as you have indiscriminate sex with hundreds of strange men could produce the next Charles Manson. It’s simply a matter of preference.
When I was in my early-20’s, I wasn’t in the kind of ‘shape’ I’m in now - so I had smaller shirts. I saved a couple of my favorites and was overjoyed to see my own kids wearing the
a) Minutemen ‘What Makes A Man Start Fires?’ shirt (in red!)
b) Rollins Band - ‘Silence Sucks’ shirt
I still get a chuckle when my oldest wears the ‘Big Moose’ shirt I bought at the premiere of the pretty-inappropriate-but-also-funny indie film The Epicurians. Inside jokes are sometimes best when it comes to child-rearing.
Ideally, all of these kids will grow to have a greater appreciation of their Dads walking around in their favorite CalTrans ‘Crack Inspector’ mesh caps!
Greg - that post was laugh-out-loud funny!
It’s so fun being an Uncle (or Aunt).
Do they by any chance make “Quit Talking To Me Like I’m A Moron” in adult sizes?
I want the “Quit Talking To Me Like I’m A Moron” line on a thong.
Those t-shirts kick ass. I can’t afford to buy my nephew any of these, so I’ve resorted to knitting silly hats for him. If he can’t be a punk, at least he can be a freak.
DOOKIEWEAR ROCKS!!! Thank you so much for introducing it into my life - i just spent $100 there - you really aught to get some commission here. I got:Quit talking to me like i am a Moron; AGENDA: WORLD DOMINATION; Dont pinch my cheeks or i will kick your ass; and : of course, EVIL GENIUS. I just hope my friends love them as much as i do, cause there not for me yet - but they might come back down the line when its my turn...Cool!