Girls are better at breaking up than guys. Many of them instinctively understand how to do it with a minimum of pain and angst. I was once dumped by a girl with nearly supernatural abilities in this regard; she made me feel full of worth, confidence, and self-actualization. I was halfway home, singing Disney songs, before reality hit me: “There’s a bluebird on my shoulder�hey, waaaaaaaiiiit a minute.”
In contrast, guys are generally pretty bad at it. They might try to be smooth, but the situation gets the better of them and they panic: “I’ve been doing some thinking, and I feel that...well, look, I have prostate cancer. And if you keep going out with me, you’re going to get prostate cancer too. We need to stay far, far away from each other. It’s okay to cry.”
I mention this because my friend Meredith told me that one of her ex-boyfriends is breaking up with people using the same line that she used on him. This made me curious, so I said, “What line did you use?”
“I said, ‘I don’t have a list of exes. I have a list of friends. Let me know if you’d like to be on it.’”
I was impressed, of course, because that’s pretty smooth. But Meredith didn’t know whether to be flattered or appalled that this guy has appropriated the line and is using it on others.
In my opinion? She has nothing to worry about. Like I said, guys end up panicking and they lose control of the situation. Neil Armstrong flubbed his line when he walked on the moon�he was supposed to say “One small step for a man,” but he left out the article.
Similarly, this guy may think he’s got the perfect way to dump someone, but he’ll screw it up all the same: “I don’t have a list of friends. I have a list of exes. You’re on it. I mean, you’re a friend who’s now an ex, and you’re on my list. Christ! Okay, look. I have prostate cancer.”
Back in college, I was making out with a guy when he said,"I want to pound your lovehole”. Naturally, I fell in love with him right there. We’ve been married for fifteen years, and we have three beautiful children: Joanna, Lucas, and Ferdinand.
He is such the lover.
Sorry! I never had a guy break up with me, so I don’t have any of those stories.
I misread the first line as “Girls are better at break dancing up than guys...” You only have to read in a few more sentences before that entry totally stops making sense. So I figured it out, and it was really funny, but I’m still left wondering:
a) How is break dancing aptitude divided across gender lines? and
b) That’s a great line. Can I use it, too?
I am, of course, referring to the “pound your lovehole” line.
I’m with Mel - too chicken to ask women out, I had one date in college and I’m still on it. Mere’s line is very cool, though; I think I would have screwed it up by trying “I don’t have any friends, because I have an axe.” Maybe I should put the axe away before I start pounding the ol’ lovehole. Wow, just typing it makes me feel romantical!
what??
that’s not smooth!
that’s bullshit!
if anyone ever broke up with me using not only a line that undoubtedly came from a maxim article, but one that he used on others?
psssht… honey, that boy would wish all he had was prostate cancer…
yeah i’m with sandy. meredith is probably smooth when she uses it, if someone actually appropriated it for his own use, but i don’t think the line stands alone.
plus, i don’t like dumping someone with a question mark. it’s too close to asking, “may i break up with you?”
It’s definitely all in the delivery.
I feel the need to defend myself here!
The line came after we had already broken up. And he was mad and said something along the lines of “I guess I just am added to the bottom of your long list of ex-boyfriends,” he was being all pissy and bitter that i had dated more people than he had. And we had been friends for years before we started dating, and I was still friends with every guy I had ever dated. And I was angry that he was stooping to insulting me, and this is what came out of my mouth back at him. Letting him know i wanted to be friends but by NO MEANS grovelling and begging for it. And well, we are still great friends after a farily tough break up so I think it WORKED.
Smooth.. whatever.. he is using it wrong.
I am a woman and I have the worst break up technique in the world. I find it hard to lie effectively in those situations, so I usually go with honesty. That’s never good. *grin*
I too read the first line as “girls are better at break dancing,” and I was like, huh, go figure. And I too would not have thought Meredith’s break-up line was very cool, until she explained herself. Oh, and I haven’t had one single original thought today.
You shall rue the day that you taunted me. Today is that day. Therefore, rueing shall commence at the stroke of midnight.
Well, at least I’m in a blog feud with a girl, for a change. Feuding with Joshua and Bryan is too much like snapping towels in a men’s locker room. But if the rueing commences at midnight, wouldn’t that be tomorrow rather than today?
My line was always “Someday I’ll dance at your wedding, just not as your bride.”
It seemed to work. Although looking back on it, it’s pretty f-ing bad.
after reading all this, i’m going to stick with “it’s not you. it’s me… no wait, it IS you.”
I was only once serious enough with a girl that a formal breakup was needed. I think my final line was, “No, I DON’T want to get married now. I REALLY DO MEAN IT!. I’m NOT going to change my mind!!!!! The next lady was your mom, no breakup lines needed.
I’m stealing Gimmy’s line for my next breakup:
“Someday I’ll dance on your grave...just not as your widow.”
I need some time to work on the guy who linked me, saying,"I have no excuse for linking this”.
*snap*
i would be more touched by the messed up breakup line (including the “Christ! Okay, look. I have prostate cancer.” line) rather than some fabulous rehearsed immaculate statement. it’d be easier to make fun of later.
just tell em you’re gay.
works for me.
then again, everybody already thinks that about me anyway.
Men just wish you were gay, Jim. And women, women are dumb bitches. I don’t know. Just trying to help.
my recent personal experience went something like this:
him: I know I love you, and you love me, but I don’t think we ‘fit’
her: wow. we’re a tinker toy and a lincoln log in love.
him: more like a lincoln log and a lego.
her: whatever. are we going to have sex ever again?
him: not with each other, that’s for sure. anyway, thanks for the relationship! Call me when you get married - I’ll send you that espresso maker or something. <click>
her: <looks quizzically at phone> did we just break up? <putting down phone>
her: <sobbing softly, while snickering to herself>