I have a real issue with the primary plot point of Lord of the Rings, in both its book and movie incarnations. The entire conflict between good and evil hinges on the ability of a defenseless Frodo to creep into the territory of the enemy, sneak into the stronghold of Sauron, and drop a magic ring into Mount Doom.
As far as military strategies go, it’s not exactly a showstopper. I doubt Napoleon Bonaparte is spinning in his grave, thinking ”Dang I didn’t even have to lose all those men at the battle of Eylau. I could have picked that annoying private from the fifth regiment, sent him across the Russian tundra by himself, and ordered him to kick the Czar in the ‘nads.”
And who came up with this masterpiece of a tactical maneuver? Gandalf.
A wizard!
Call me old fashioned, but I think a wizard earns his keep by turning the evil overlord into a newt, thus avoiding the need for battle and countless lost lives. I don’t think coming up with a desperate plan that doesn’t even involve magic qualifies someone as a master of the mystic arts.
Following the same logic, I could launch people into the air using a gigantic slingshot and call myself an airline pilot.
I’m sure Tolkien revised out a scene in his original manuscript that went like this:
“So let me get this straight,” said Frodo. “You have no real plan for defeating Sauron that involves your own magical abilities, or the strength of arms.”
Gandalf shifted uncomfortably. “Not as such.”
“The entire fate of Middle Earth rests on me and my heterosexual life-mate, Sam Gamgee, and we have about a 1 in 1 billion chance of success.”
“Yes, yes, that’s pretty much it.”
“And I don’t even get to shag Arwen because the bearded guy with the hairless feet is all over that action.”
Gandalf held up a finger. “Correct on all counts, young Frodo. However, it’s a long, arduous journey to Mount Doom. This means you and Sam will get plenty of time and several chapters to pledge fealty to one other, whine incessantly about missing home, and sing a whole slew of really annoying songs.”
Frodo and Sam slapped each other high fives. “Dude, we’re so there!”
Where can I purchase a gift certificate for my mother-in-law to fly on Greg Air?
“Heterosexual life partners.” Yeah, we’re all buying that one.
i am so glad i don’t have to go see any of the movies or read the books now! *shoo!*
all of the LOTR movies are just softcore gay porn.
not that there is anything wrong with that.
ROFL...I could go into this whole speil about how Saramon is impervious to magic and how only an innocent like Frodo can handle the ring, but then you’d know what a geek I am. *g*
Hetrosexual lifemate...hee hee, sounds intriguing!!
ROFL...I could go into this whole speil about how Sauron is impervious to magic and how only an innocent like Frodo can handle the ring, but then you’d know what a geek I am. *g*
Hetrosexual lifemate...hee hee, sounds intriguing!!
That bearded guy with the hairless feet could get all over me. I’d carry some stupid ring to Mount Doom for some of that.
I’ve never read the books and only see the movies because my husband’s obsessed. Last night I kept asking him why Gandalf didn’t DO something since he’s supposed to be magical, but he never could give me an answer. I’m glad I’m not the only person who sees the flaw of logic in this whole mess.
LOLLOLROFL. I thought that the point was that only midgets with hairy feet have any strength and the rest of us are all just slaves to the ring...but I see it now.
Sacrilege.
I loved the books and am completely hooked on the films (although I haven’t seen the last episode yet). I think it’s going to turn into the traditional Christmas Day late night movie we all go to see. (weird tradition I know).
I can’t believe you don’t like LOTR! Tolkein invented a language. I mean, HOW cool is that?
Or maybe I’m just a bigger dork than I realized. LOL!
sacrilege perhaps, but true nonetheless ... and what is it about the hairless feet that gets everybody? i mean, ok, the hirsute toes can be a bit freaky, but on the other hand, it’s elijah wood we’re talking about here, people. and that kid is sexy, even if he is young enough to be, well, my kid. i bet he doesn’t get the pinball wizard joke either.
Carrie, Gandalf didn’t do something magical because he’s not there to overthrow Sauron personally (which even he could not do), he is there to help the peoples of Middle Earth find their own way, and fight their own fight.
If they did not choose to resist evil, and to reject it, they would have lost, and would have deserved to have lost.
It’s the difference between you learning to ride your bike as a kid and scraping your knee and bloodying your nose, and your parent doing it for you—sure, the bike is still travelling down the road, but it’s a quite different thing.
It’s funny that I see vast numbers of complaints about the so-called illogic of the story by people who’ve never finished the books, and don’t really understand what they are seeing when they see the movies.
I realize the post by Greg is mostly in fun, and I respect that. However, it’s more fun to make fun of things in a way that actually make sense—such as why didn’t one of those big fucking eagles just take the Ring and throw it into Mt. Doom? (Because the Ring would tempt even them, and they would’ve kept it...) But still, that’s a much better question.
Also, Carrie, in the books, Gandalf does a great deal more than you see in the movies—in the books, he battles the Witch-King, he confronts Saruman (the other wizard), etc.
Sorry for the long post, but complain to me when you’ve actually read the books, and know of what you write.