Each generation is mostly the same; it’s only in the superficial details, like dress or slang, that they change. But as I get older, I occasionally glimpse real evidence of society shifting.
I realized this last month when I was in Florida. One night my colleague and I wandered into a street lined up and down with raucous bars and drunk teenagers, a certified Spring Break hotspot. As we were trying to decide which bar to visit, a half naked girl stepped in front of us: “We only have a $5 cover charge and you get a free shot!” Which is a pretty persuasive argument, although the “free shot” was a watery green liquid that tasted like fluoride. I was convinced that the entire bar was a front for the American Dental Association: “We can’t do anything about the fact that kids of today are a bunch of immoral hedonists, but at least we can make sure they don’t get gingivitis.”
We went in and I wondered what nearby factory pumped out all these young, tanned, half-naked girls, as though they were a bunch of star-bellied Sneetches. I figured Orlando must have patented the technology that enabled the process, because otherwise every city would be doing it. I bet Pittsburgh is just dying for it. But there’s a downside: I went up to the bar and said “What beer do you have?” The bartender, who was, surprisingly, a young, half-naked girl, bounced her head from side to side and chirped “Bud Dry, Coors, Heineken, Miller!”
I should have known. There were so many Bud Dry signs lighting up the place that I thought maybe it wasn’t a beverage here but rather a religion--a huge cult of worship where once a year everyone practiced “lent” and made the ultimate sacrifice by drinking a decent beer.
You can’t get a dark irish stout where there’s young half-naked girls, and you can’t get young half-naked girls where there’s dark irish stout. In a Florida spring break bar, the people are young and calorie conscious so the beer is cheap and light. Ireland is dark, cold, and full of whizzing bullets, and so young half-naked girls tend to go somewhere else.
I didn’t actually mean to digress about beer, but I have and now we’re all stuck with it. The point is, two girls climbed into a nearby cage and started making out. A little later my colleague and I went into a smaller bar so we could hear ourselves think and have some whiskey. Two girls came in, surveyed the room, and started making out.
I need to emphasize that this wasn’t a political act. Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney wouldn’t have walked up to them and said “Well put, young ladies, well put. And where do you stand on the environment?” It was really just about announcing themselves. It was like putting on a short skirt and killer shoes, except with more saliva.
People from older generations tend to look upon these cultural shifts and feel compelled to offer advice and guidance. It pains me to admit it, but I’m the exact same way. I can’t be quiet about this. I, too, want to opine to those who engage in casual girl-on-girl action with no more thought than my generation would give to putting on a coat or lacing up our shoes. I want to offer insights from the vantage point of my advancing years. I want to instruct these girls who have taken to impromptu makeout sessions in front of rooms full of strangers.
First: Try to wear the same shade lip gloss. Because if one is wearing red and the other is wearing pink, you get this orange-y mishmash effect. Watch out for that.
Second: Keep up the good work.
I think this is my new favorite post of yours.
Maybe it’s their way of dealing with the frustration of leaving home only to find nothing but flouride shots, bars full of half-naked girls and cheap beer.
Besides, making out is so much more cost-effective than shoes.
Bud Dry is still around? I thought it went the way of New Coke.
Then again I live in Germany and don’t even look at an American beer without giggling.
What would’ve happened if you and your buddy had gone over to them and rolled an old timer’s line on them like, “mind if we join you?”
“we’re already joined.”
Greg, it is clear to me now that you aren’t gay. Not just because you’re into the girl-on-girl thing (and we all know that gays and lesbians are the Sharks and the Jets of the 21st century) but because you advised these girls to wear matching lip gloss instead of recommending one of the many great smudge-proof lipsticks on the market. I mean, matching or not, smeared lipgloss is soooooo passé.
I second Sarah B.
From the vantage point of a MUCH older generation: Making out is best done in private. Girl-on-girl, boy with girl, boy with sheep, it doesn’t matter. PRIVATE, thank you very much.
Bravo. (begins slow but inspirational eighties movie clap)
Spectacular!
“You can’t get a dark irish stout where there’s young half-naked girls, and you can’t get young half-naked girls where there’s dark irish stout” Did you at least find a place with dark irish stout and young completely naked girls?
Dude, I am moving to Florida!
I’d like to reminisce about when I used to make out with my girlfriends on spring break. But, alas, I’m more of an Irish Stout girl.
uh… I mean… I’m not Irish or stout. You know what I meant.
I think you and your buddy should have started making out. Seriuosly. To some young, tanned, half-naked girls watching guys make out can be a turn on. No, really.
There used to be a place at the north end of the Venice Boardwalk that had a sundrenched patio, played nothing but the Doors all day long, served plenty of belgian beer (not irish, but still worth the price), and was full of hot girls in tiny fleshbaring outfits. Never saw the G-G action, though. So, maybe bad beer drives them to it? An experiment could prove it. I’ll be in the control grope - urm, group.
I don’t care how hot a couple is I don’t want to see anyone swapping spit. It makes me feel sad for them really. How desperate for anyone’s attention can you get? Good advice on the lipstick though.
see, these young scantily clad girls don’t realize that Guiness only has 125 calories!
-as spoken by the old fully-clad blonde girl.
Actually, here in Pittsburgh we have charmingly mouthy girls and Iron City, which turns out to be a decent combination.
Brilliant, as ever.
If I was in a bar right now (and don’t I wish I was) and two Adonises wearing but a philodendron leaf between them started making out at an adjoining table I doubt I would think they were doing it to accessorize.
And yet, when I was 22 I got a phone call from my best friend saying, “I finally had that lesbian affair.” I responded, “And I just dyed my hair a much brighter red.” To which she said, “Exactly.”
You are obviously on to something.
A friend of mine overheard two girls in the ladies’ loo talking about messing themselves up so they looked like they’d been getting some girl-on-girl action, presumably because they thought they were missing out on all the attention. Mind you, unlike Theresa they were stout. And quite possibly Irish.
As a matter of fact, when I lived in cold, dark Syracuse, I got hit on by girls the most often when I was drinking Guinness (usually accompanied by a shot of tequila). Suitable clothing was worn by all, though. Hell, it was SYRACUSE, after all.
Wise advice.
too freaking funny!
this post made me remarkably happy.
as do most things that involve pretty young girls making out.
greg, you rule. really. rule.
The lip gloss thing was good advice. NExt time I kiss a girl, I’ll try to remember it.
i recently went to a bar with an underage male friend of mine and HE felt old and completely underwhelmed by the same circumstances you have described. i think it is not a matter of age but of taste…
please don’t tell anyone he isn’t old enough. we have that entire bar convinced he is…