Normally I love to dissect movies after seeing them. You can’t shut me up. You have to oil my tongue every fifty miles.
But as I sat in the car after seeing Matrix Revolutions, I could only try to soothe my pounding head. To try to will the pain away. To feel human again.
Meanwhile, my friend chattered away: “But if the nature of the Matrix was like this, then Neo did this and this and this...”
Finally, I had to interject: “Look, you’re trying to come up with elaborate explanations to cover up the gaping holes in the plot. The answer is simple...it’s bad writing. It was a bad script. It was a bad movie.”
“No no no, you don’t understand. If the Matrix is like this, then you this and this and this.”
Finally, I managed to say my goodbyes and drive across the Bay Bridge to home. I walked into my place and heaved a sigh of relief. I could start to put the horrible movie behind me. To let it fade into my past, like the time I lost my blanket in a New York Hotel. (I was five.) Or the time I lost a spelling bee. Or the time I didn’t ask out the French girl in college.
(Actually, that last one is still with me a bit.)
My thoughts began to settle themselves, and I thought about the week ahead. Another event to plan. A press release to finish. A white paper to research. Discussions and meetings and emails. I relaxed even further. I was full of a zen-like peace.
Then my phone rang. I picked it up.
My friend’s voice bleated at me: “Okay okay okay. But if the Matrix was this, then you have to agree that this and this and this and this.”
My serenity was wiped away. My peace was blown into smithereens. I staggered into the raging thunderstorm, wind pelting my face, and I screamed to the heavens: “DAMN YOU WACHOWSKI BROTHERS. You stole two hours of my life. And you made my friend act like a dork. I WILL NOT REST UNTIL YOU ARE DESTROYED!”
Of course, I had to take a moment to think about whether I meant that or not. After all, you have to respect the sheer amount of gratuitous lesbian sex that the Wachowski brothers gave the world in their first movie, Bound.
But no, even that did not balance the scales. “DESTROYED, I TELL YOU!”
And then I donned a pair of black sunglasses (although it was already pitch black outside), a trenchcoat, and I swooped into the heavens on my mission of pretentious, cliche-ridden vengeance.
Hey, what other kind of vengeance is there these days? That’s the only kind you see in TV and, yes, in movies. But at least it always succeeds in the end.
I’m actually starting to wonder whether unpretentious, non-cliche-ridden vengeance would even work any more. You know, like the ‘fury of an old lady wronged’ or ‘pissed-off Buddhist monk rage’. Would you even get anywhere with that? Dunno any more.
Oh, and I’ll be seeing Reloaded on Friday. Thanks for letting me know that I should get hammered beforehand, so the night’s not a total loss. Much obliged.
Were there fewer nasty gross hide-your-eyes keanu + carrie anne make out scenes than number two? That’s really all I ask. Bad plot? Gaping holes? Fine, whatever, just don’t subject me to any more images of that strangely perverse couple.
Amen, Jennn.
See, I told the husband it was going to suck. I’d rather see Elf.
I will be watching Revolutions soon. Just to make sure I’m well-prepared, I watched Reloaded yesterday, and I think I went blind with rage.
If I can’t see anything, I think that’s good preparation.
it seems you aren’t the only blogger who was upset by the film. I will probably be seeing it next monday with another english professor, which promises to be a truly harrowing experience as he is one of those big the Matrix is really the Allegory of the Cave people.
I’m a little confused by your harrangue. Exactly what the hell do you think you mean by the phrase ”gratuitous lesbian sex?” That’s like “superfluous nipple.” It’s not superfluous, it’s bonus. And Bound was the heartwarming story of 9 to 5, told the way Lily and Dolly never could do properly.
when did the Forces of Good go from capes to trenchcoats as their protective shroud of virtue in the war against evil oppressors? i feel as though i have missed some sort of pivotal milestone.
oh come on, give them a break. you know keanu is only ever convincing when he expresses confusion and dumbfoundedness. so it makes sense that most of the script is made up of keanu going “what?” in as many ways as possible. the rest of the lines are just FILLER to get to the END of the freaking TRILOGY already, so who cares if they’re full of holes?
sigh....I really loved the first, haven’t even seen the second one and I might just continue with not seeing the third. Why is Hollywood so damn lame?
i think you’re the first person i’ve read who’s not liked it. i hadabouthismuch desire to see the 2nd one. even less desire to see this one. you can’t tell that to people though. you might as well announce that you’re going out to kick a puppy and steal halloween candy from a baby.
Well, I’m not the only one. Rotten Tomatoes trashes it.
babies eat halloween candy now? my god, this country we live in.
babies don’t _eat_ candy, they’re _made_ of it. Just like the witch’s house in Hansel & Gretel. Sweet outside, but with a heart of unadulterated evil. Them’s babies alright.
Thank you thank you thank you for pointing out the gaping plot holes big enough to drive two Mack trucks in a head-on collision through. Hello? Evil Frenchman? Where’d you go? Hide and seek? Oh, right, he’s a Smith and we just missed out on that one. Blargh… all action, no plot, only wisps of the philosophy of the original and little to no reference back to The Architect’s big ta-da at the end of Reloaded. Just give me the original. Thanks.
Dude. I read your warning, yet I still ended up seeing this movie last night.
That’s the last time I don’t listen to you, Greg. This was the worst movie I’ve seen in a very, very long time. I never saw the second Matrix, now I never will.
during the keanu-carrie love scene, i couldn’t help but wonder if it would be erotic to stick your tongue into those little holes you have all over your body to connect you to the matrix.
we just rented the second one yesterday and one of many questions i have is: no bras in zion? why?
Maybe that’s the reason I actually liked the second one.
I wasn’t upset by Matrix 3. I haven’t seen it yet. I’m just on the machines’ side, and if they don’t win, THEN I’ll be upset...=D