I’m on vacation with some friends who berated me for quitting the blog. They were just making conversation, but I am easily riled so here is a post.
I’ve been snorkeling while on vacation. I’ve become convinced that the term “school of fish” is planted by grammar saboteurs. There is nothing school-like about fish traveling together. They dart and shoot around like meth-addled rainbows, completely lacking in discipline or academic focus. Furthermore, they sidle up and stare at me, which is completely at odds with my experience with schools; in junior high, everyone just ignored me.
One fish in particular was startling. He had a huge, rage-filled purple head and bulging eyes, like the fish version of John Boehner. I wondered if all of these fish were really safe for humans to be around--and then he made a move like he was going to lunge at me, and I suddenly thought that my death scene wasn’t going to be like the movies, where flesh-eating fish only devour gorgeous women with big breasts. At least as far as the woman thing went. The breast thing, well, I have been letting myself go lately.
I am still alive so clearly he wasn’t lunging at me in order to eat me. Nonetheless, tomorrow I am going snorkeling again to try to find my Republican friend and scare the gills off of him.
Something else I did on vacation was try to find a nude beach. A member of our party is a lifestyle nudist, a fact only recently disclosed to us. It also turns out that social media has severe dangers for his community. This individual hates Facebook, but signed on in order to join a nudist community on the site. So he put up a nude profile picture, not realizing that his picture would be displayed to members of his girlfriend’s family ("You may also know Jeremy!") His girlfriend’s sister shot her an email, saying “Thanks for that revealing look at Jeremy. To make us even, I’d be happy to send you nude pictures of my husband.” As far as a subtle, staged plan for coming out to one’s girlfriend’s family, I’d have to grade that one an “F.”
Jeremy wanted to go to a nude beach here in Kona that he had heard about, and I told him I’d come along since his girlfriend is a little tired of the constant search for public nudity. The irony is, I’m the exact opposite of a nudist: I’m a clothes-ist. There’s almost no situation that I feel isn’t improved by wearing clothes. I’ve ruined the mood of many a third date by offering to keep on an extra-large T-shirt.
Still, I was game. I have already been scorched lobster-red by an accidental nap in the sun, so I covered myself head to foot in sunscreen. Then I borrowed an umbrella from the hotel for extra protection. So this story could have had a really funny ending--a partially sunburned guy with Irish skin, cautiously traipsing through nude beach with a rain umbrella, like a bad Monty Python skit--but we never found the beach. We’re pretty sure the park rangers shut it down ("Come out with your hands and trousers up"), and that Jeremy’s Internet intel was out-of-date.
Jeremy was disappointed, but of course I was fairly relieved. My nudity will remain where it belongs--in my anxiety dreams where I show up the office and realize I completely forgot to dress before I left the house.
perhaps the burritos belong to a taco. or to the general concept, or entity, of taco. burritos could be a kind of subset of tacos, the way squares are a subset of rectangles?
then again, perhaps i just need sleep.
The lack of appropriate apostrophes can be confounding too.
I used to be bothered by my ignorance of how to perform the DONT WALK at the traffic lights.
I just did my regular walk and hoped it was good enough.
Of course, this was before the introduction of the red man.
Maybe the chef’s name was taco.
The u’se of apo’strophe’s i’s completely out of control in my view of thing’s. Did you con’sider having a ‘salad?
P.S. The uncle/niece dialogue is a big hit with staff at work, as are new photograph’s taken ye’sterday
Have you checked out the book, “Eats, Shoots & Leaves?” It’s a romp on apostrophes, among other things . . .
I’d agree. To me, Burrito has always seemed as possessive as Taco. I wonder how Enchilada feels about it? Must be hard being the bastard step-brother of Burrito.
You’re the Gallagher of grammar. Soon you’ll be wearing fake hair and smashing watermelons.
Shows how much you know. I already wear fake hair.
I’m reading Eats, Shoots & Leaves by Lynne Truss, which is a book all about punctuation. While her writing style grates on my nerves somewhat, she does explain the rules of punctuation - including the usage of the apostrophe - rather well.
Oh wait. Someone above already mentioned it. I really need to read other comments first.
You kill me. I nearly spewed my Pep’si.
I highly recommend that you read Punctuation Takes a Vacation. It’s (not Its) a children’s book, but it beautifully illustrates the point that punctuation should never go to the lake.
I got Eats, Shoots & Leaves as a present, which I thought was weird, because I’m a copyeditor. I mean, I can see how it would seem like a good idea, but I know about the apostrophe. I am not the target audience.
You had another entry here this morning, and when I came back to comment on it, it had vanished. Anyhow, it was funny, and I think other people would think it was funny too.
I used to get really annoyed by things like that, but, after a year in small town Ohio, I would give anything for a good place with burritos and tacos on the menu. I don’t care how they spell or punctuate them.
Jess, I got cold feet about that entry. I just wasn’t sure people would see the humor. I also received from comments from people I respect who thought it was a little dicey.
you just wanted to say ‘tubular’.
If you ever make it to Sydney, I’ll take you to the dining room at work.
They serve delicious ravioli’s.
Went to a curry house once where they had a peg-board menu on the wall. I thought it odd that the name ‘Brian Curry’ was on the menu, until I realised they’d just mis-spelled the word ‘brain’.
I ate at an Asian deli once where one of the beverages was “Mike.”
I think you’re missing the point. I think they were actually starting to say “Taco is...” and forgot to finish the sentence.
I work in the media and spend a good portion of my day reading scripts.
It’s constantly amazing to me how poorly the rules of grammar are applied in the so-called “writing” that passes for “journalism” these days.
It goes WAY beyond apostrophe usage. My biggest pet peeve is their constant incorrect usage of “there” and “they’re” on a daily basis.
--LAZ
The gratuitous and uninformed use of the apostrophe used to be my number one grammatical pet peeve, but it has since been overtaken by the use of l33t-speak in everyday conversation, which I know you’ve already written about, Greg, so no need to go further.
Also: I missed the entry you deleted, and so am unable to judge its “dicey-ness.” But I also trust your judgment.
LAZ: you forgot “their,” which is often equally misused and thrown in for good measure by people who should (usually) know better. Also “your” and “you’re,” and (the big one) “its” and “it’s,” which sometimes makes me want to go on tri-state killing sprees but which last two are also directly related to the topic already spoken of so eloquently by Mr. Howard in the preceding. So I should shut up now.
Hey J.
Yeah, I boldfaced the first “their” to inclued it’s double-meaning in my post… but, then I forgot to put it in quotes. So, it turns out that I, too, need a copy editor.
Want yet another pet peeve for the list?
Improper use of elipses.
....
Three dots, or four?
Space before, after, or both?
I know the rules.
I own a copy of “Strunk and White’s”.
But some others out there....
Sorry Greg.
Seemes we’ve turned your “Bring It” section into a badly planned grammar lesson.
--LAZ
About the ellipsis, at least the question of how many dots can be quickly solved by using the html-character …: …
I have bogged about this in the past as well. Of course, I was accused of being a “grammar nazi” whereas you get an outpouring of love. What are you doing differently, I wonder?
did we query chimichangas’ opinion on the matter?
Oh, you are so my hero. The possessive form where the plural form is needed and vice-versa is one of my biggest pet peeves. All hail, Grammer Greg!
I misuse or abuse everything at some point or another.
I feel that our time is better used weeding this ‘god’ character out of our government. Please join me in an adjustment of priorities.
Grammar policing is fine among the picky - sadly, you really do run the risk of turning off potentially interesting writers that need folks like you to edit them in a professional capacity.
I love my boyfriend, but he does NOT understand the apostrophe. It hurts. Seriously. I told him he should be arrested for what he does with the apostrophe. But he just keeps on rockin’.
Sigh. It’s like they always say: sometimes, love really is thicker than grammar.
How long have you been wanting to say, “gratuitously possessive”?